Confessions Of a Single Mom

Confession #7

I am scared to death of potty training Monkey. Can I just leaver her in diapers until she's old enough to figure it out on her own?

Spring Cleaning

I've decided that I need to do some personal "Spring Cleaning" so to speak. I know I'm a tad bit early, but - this needs to happen.

First, Ms Single Mama has inspired me. She's on a self-imposed Man Diet. I think I will follow suit. I seem to have a bad habit of picking men/boys that either need to be fixed, or are just all around "bad boys". So - I'm going to go on a Man Diet. I'm not sure how long it will last - but for now, I'm good on men.

Second, I need to lose some weight. I've heard before that if you put something in writing you'll feel more compelled to accomplish it. So - I am now going to devote at the very LEAST, 30 minutes a day to doing some type of exercise. I could set up a PT schedule for myself, but I don't see where I would be able to devote an hour each and every day to exercise. 30 minutes is doable because I can keep Monkey entertained with either destroying her bedroom or mine.

Lastly, I am going to quit smoking. If I am going to exercise I'm going to need to be able to breathe, so - I'm going to have to quit smoking. This will be a little harder than the other two, but I need to. Not just so I can exercise - but so that I can live a little longer.

I think these two things will help me feel a little better about myself - which I could use. Feel free to cheer me on.

Confessions of a Single Mom

I must confess some things, because if I don't my head will get all clogged up with the things that I can never say out loud.

First - I love Monkey, and wouldn't give her up to save my life, but God help me. She is DRIVING ME INSANE. She's going through her Terrible 2's and hasn't even made it to TWO. She may not make it either...... (I joke, I kid).

Second - Some days I absolutely love the fact that I'm a single parent - I don't have to compromise on my parenting with anyone. She'll be raised the way *I* want her to be raised.

Third - I've let her go 2 or 3 days with out bathing her. She wasn't really dirty, and I was just flat tired.

Fourth - I may have ruined her. She spends ALL day with me, and her last 2 waking hours are spent with my parents. How am I ever going to get her to go to daycare?

Fifth - I buy her WAY too much stuff. Seriously, I still buy her something every time I go to the store, be it clothes, toys, or some special snack.

Sixth - I put her up for sale on my other blog (not for real, so you can stop freaking out now, and you can hang up the phone with the children's services people). Go see.

Um......I don't see this list ending any time soon, so I'll stop now. To be continued later.....

That Man.

The donor. Monkey's biological father.

I am currently at my wit's end about him. He provides no type of support for her, in fact wants nothing to do with her. When I refused to have the abortion, he said that it would be a long, hard road for me - but he would help out where he could. We agreed then that I would not put him on child support so long as he spent time with her and provided things she needed. This worked out well - for about 2 months. Monkey is now 15 months old and since her birth he has given me maybe $200 for her care. He did buy $20 worth of baby food and 2 jumbo diapers.... when she was about 4 months old (I have since applied for child support - but the state is taking FOREVER). He was in jail when she was born, and the Department of Vital statistics rep said that I could not even so much as list him on her birth certificate with out him being present. He still has not changed that. I gave her my last name because it seemed that he had abandoned us anyway. After he got out of jail, he was adamant that I change her last name to his and I made it clear that he would need to do so - I would not. I wanted him to prove his worth of her.

He has two other amazing daughters who he sees almost daily. He is a wonderful father to them, and loves them both dearly. Here, Ladies and Gentleman, is my problem. Those girls get to know their father, get to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. Why can't my daughter have the same?

Those first couple months of her life I would call him daily and take her to see him. I always said to him, I'll bring her to you and pick her up, just let me know when you want her. I got really busy for a week, right after Monkey turned 3months old, I was looking for a job and had a few interviews lined up. After that week was over, I realized that he had not called me once to see her. So - instead of calling him, I decided to wait another week to see if he would call. The week passed and he didn't call. I realized then, that I was pushing her on him. I had decided before she was born that I would not chase behind him and make him do right by her, and meant it. So I called him and explained that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to make an effort. He needed to call me and let me know when he wanted to see her. My offer still stood, I'd take her to him and pick her up. All he needed to do was let me know when he wanted to see her. A month went by and besides me calling him to ask for diapers, baby food, or money for day care - we didn't hear from him. Another month went by - and I stopped calling. He wasn't calling anyway. I was supporting her on my own and didn't need to beg him for what little money he could give me anyway. We argued a few times - about money, about him not spending time with her, about the injustice of it all. Halloween came and he took his other two daughters trick or treating in our parent's neighborhood. Ladies and Gentleman, he walked right by me (I had already taken Monkey home and put her to bed) and didn't even so much as blink. Nothing. Not "How was her first Halloween?" "Where is Monkey?" "Kiss Monkey for me." NADA.

Her 1st birthday came around and I called to let him know about the plans - to invite him. He said he wouldn't be coming. He didn't want to deal with my family. We argued again. This time because I wanted to make it clear to him that this was about our daughter, not him, not me, not either of our families. He obviously didn't go for it because he didn't show up. His parents and sisters did - they even brought his other two children and his girlfriend's son (which I am a little upset about - but I digress...) A couple days later I called him again - I was livid. He had missed her birthday, all her 1st year milestones, and still hadn't even called to tell her Happy Birthday. An argument ensued - and he said he didn't want to talk to me.

Three months later I've spoken to him twice and he wont budge. I'm torn, because I feel I've done all I can with out losing my sanity, but I feel like I should do more. Monkey is eventually going to ask questions and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be a decent person and not bash him. I don't think its fair that the other two children get to know him and have a relationship with him, but my daughter does not. She wouldn't know him from Adam if she saw him. What do I do? Do I keep trying to contact him for my daughters sake? Or do I leave it alone and hope like hell she doesn't ask questions one day?

Help me out.... I'm lost....

A nice Indian boy.

Friday afternoon, Monkey and I paid a visit to my Trinidadian Mother and Grandmother. It was overall a good visit - but I must share part of the visit with you. I'm sincerely amazed with myself for bringing one of our subjects of discussion up - and then whole-heartedly deciding to submit my self to said topic.

Upon a conversation with a sweet Guyanese girl I know - I found out that since her mother passed, her father has been actively trying to find a nice Indian boy for her to marry. How you ask? Well, he put her on an Indian matrimonial website. She suggested that I submit myself to my elders and let them to the same for me so I could be "tortured" as she was. It's sort of a modern twist on arranged marriage. One of the prospective bride/grooms elders puts a picture and short bio on the site and then lists themselves as the contact. The elders contact each other and set up a meeting so that the families can meet, and the two young people can meet, and get a general feel for each other. From there, the prospective bride and grooms families either continue deliberations or don't. You get the general idea, yes? Ok. Well, I brought this up to my Trini mother, and then half-jokingly, half-seriously suggested that she do the same for me. Then a conversation ensued regarding the necessary qualities that the nice indian boy should have. Here is our list as it stands.

Nice Indian boy qualities:
1. He and his family must be Christian. I will not become Hindu, and will not marry a Hindu man because if we have children, they will not be raised as Hindus.
2. He must know that I have a child and that she is my WORLD. He must agree to treat her as his own, because if he can not love her, I can not love him.
3. He must be between 25 and 30. This is the perfect age range for me, because by this age surely the prospective groom has figured out what he wants in life and is ready to have a partner to share these things with. Over 30, the age difference is too much.
4. He must be American born or have come to the states at a young age. This way, he is used to the American way of thinking and American ways of life. In this way, he will have his parents morals, but not necessarily their views on all things.
5. He must be tolerant of tattoos. I have 6 and am NOT willing to have them lasered off my body.
6. He should be Trinidadian. This is my Trinidadian grandmother's rule. Not sure why, but for now, it sounds fine.
7. His parents must live in the states. Trinidad and Guyana are expensive to travel to and I can not afford to go back and forth several times a year.
8. He must have a big family and be very family oriented. The big family is optional, but he must be family oriented. My family is large and I love all of them dearly. I would like the same qualities in my husband-to-be.

There may have been other requirements, but I can't remember them. (Ma, you're welcome to help me out in remembering here.....)

In this way, I'll find a husband whom my family likes, and will be a nice boy. Besides, I won't have to do much of the work at all. Ma has agreed to be the contact, and will put me on the site. When ever she should find the time.

Can you think of any qualities that my nice Indian boy should have??? What do you think about this??? Comment or email me.

Happy Sunday Loves!

St. Valentine's Day

As I will be celebrating Valentine's alone (with the exception of Monkey, she is my little Valentine, all the love I could ever need!) I thought a history of Valentine's day would be in order.

See who St. Valentine was, and some of the history of the day here, at History.com.

What are your plans??? Who are you sharing the day with???

Monkey and I will spend the day buying stuff.

This sucks, but I wouldn't take it any other way.

I've finally realized that being a single parent truly sucks.

I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.

First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.

Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.

But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.

I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.

So, yes....

This single parenting thing sucks, but.....

I wouldn't take it any other way.

Why?

Just a couple things.....


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money in the account to begin with?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses** **are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart and then apologizes why do we say that it's ok, when we know it's not?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off a table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why is it that In winter we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And now Ladies and Gentleman.....

for your viewing pleasure.....

He Left.

He left today.

By he - I mean Boyfriend Crazy, who is now the Ex. I took him to his sisters' house and dropped him off. I expected an awkward good-bye but thats not what I got. Instead he said "See ya" turned around and went in the house. It was strange.

I got home and he called me. Called to tell me that while I had been in the shower this morning he had gone through my phone and that he was sorry for having done it. Not sure what he was looking for, but I hope he found what ever it was. He said we could still be friends, but that he was hurt. It was weird being at home with out him. The house was quiet. I know its because he became part of our daily routine and now he's missing from it, but it still feels weird.

Here's the deal. I know I hurt him, but I did NOT do so intentionally. I feel horrible. I said "forever" and the rest of my life at the beginning. I meant it then. But I never foresaw falling out of love. While I do love him, I'm no longer in love with him.

Now I'm wondering is there really a "forever" with some one? And if there is, who is that some one? Have I already found him and discarded him? When does my forever start?

So, now its back to the daily grind sans 1. Just me and the little one.

Randomocity!

For real - I have a few things I need to update on - so.......

First - I put up a poll on the other blog because I'm changing the babys nick name for blog purposes. Go vote. Please and thank you.

Second - We went to the pediatrician today - Baby Crazy does NOT have diabetes or hypo/hyperglycemia. Good. She still is not pooping on her own and so we're going to keep her on milk of magnesia. Bad. I hate giving her a laxative every day. She got a couple shots she was due for and was generally unhappy about them. But she finally weighs 20lbs. So she gained like a pound and some thing since November.

Third - I finally figured out the situation with the boyfriend. I decided that it wasn't worth it for either of us to stay in the relationship. I'm not happy and its not fair to him to be in a relationship with some one who doesn't love him the way he should be. So - I called it quits today. He took it pretty hard and made me feel pretty bad, but for the first time, I was firm and stood my ground instead of giving in. (Hells yea for me!!!)

Lastly - Can you people comment??? I know you're reading. Its not that hard - I even opened up the comments so that people can comment anonymously. Jeez. If you had a blog I'd leave you some love too.

Anyway - have a good night and may your day tomorrow be a good one!!!

Quote of the day: Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.

1001 Rules

I found this the other day - and thought it was pretty cool..... I may have to copy.....

A guy wrote 1001 Rules for his Unborn son. I liked it. Check it out Here.

Hair

So I went Thursday to get my hair TRIMMED.

I went to my beloved and trusted Hair Guru - she's awesome. She's worked wonders with my hair for almost 2 years.

I got there and told her that I had recently done a home perm and the results were Ok - but now I needed a trim. Just a trim and maybe some layers. We talked for a couple minutes and decided that layers and a trim were a definite must. She was going to take off an inch.

So the hair cutting commenced. We talked and got on and laughed. When she was done I stood up and looked at my hair. She cut almost 3 inches off the front.... and trimmed the back. WTH???? The back was WAY longer than the front and I had a freakin mullet. No go - so I asked her to even it out. She told me I didnt want it that short and then I made it very clear that I could NOT walk around with the front of my hair a different length than the back. I finally convinced her to cut it all even and.... Now my hair is ABOVE my shoulders. If you know me you know I didn't even do that for the army and I HATE my hair being that short.

I've made peace with my hair and it actually looks GOOD. I'm fine with it now. I know you want to see pictures so I'll post one later on.

Other news - Baby Crazy may have diabetes! What??? Check it out here.

New year, new hair.... Right???