No point. Or is there?

I had intentions of writing a meaningful post tonight. But the words have gotten lost in my mind somewhere. So you're stuck instead, reading my thoughtless meanderings.

I'm having trouble focusing on much of anything today - I'm a little frustrated with the IRS since no one at their offices seems to be able to answer any of my questions. And if there is an answer, the person I'm talking to can't give it to me, they have to put in a referral to another department and I have to wait on that department. Which could take up to 45 days. Seriously, I don't understand why they're taking so long with my refund. If I'm not going to get any money then I wish that they'd say that and be done with it. I did my taxes properly, and they're not auditing me - they'd have to notify me using the word audit. So now after being told twice that I'd have my money on x date, I still don't have it and the only straight answer I could get from the person I spoke with is that it could take up to 45 days for me to hear something from the people in the "Examinations Department". Whatever.

I'm glad that BrightEyes found me last week on Facebook. It's nice to have a friend other than the Bestie that I've known since high school and has similar experiences. Not only that, she's got kids and is a stay at home mom, so I have some one to hang out with during the day (when I can get motivated to do anything). I'm realizing now that in my rush to get the hell out of Jacksonville - I may have pushed away a lot of friendships that could have been life-long.

It crossed my mind today that I may not be able to date, like ever again. I work such an odd schedule, that any one I dated would have to have a similar schedule - or be absolutely fine with only seeing me when I could get a babysitter every other week (if then). I can't really let Monkey meet the guys I date anymore. She's getting older and will start to take notice of her surroundings and the people in them. Heaven forbid I meet some one and date him for a while and Monkey gets attached to him right before I find a serious flaw in the relationship (because I am GREAT at sabotaging myself in relationships, and because I am also GREAT at picking the WORST guys ever to date. Seriously - they seem to get worse and worse) and have to break up with him. Even if they worked a similar schedule - I still wouldn't be able to see him during the day because I have Monkey all the time and wouldn't be able to find some one to watch her. So - I'm screwed. Good thing I know I don't need a man, and I'm comfortable being single (finally!). I guess one of these days, I'll return to a normal schedule and be able to date, that is - if I want to.

I'm not too sure what the point of this post was - but I'm sure at some point there was one. I'll get back to you and let you know what it is when I find it.

Of Good Friends, Good Drinks, Phones, and Men

I had a pretty good weekend. Really - I did. How was yours?

An old friend from high school found me on Facebook (you know, the account that I vowed to delete because they were banning pictures of mothers breastfeeding) last week, and we decided to hang out Friday evening, kids in tow. She's got two, and if you count her incredibly adorable hubby - three. But we hung out at their house (NICE, by the way) and ate, talked, drank, and let the girls run around and be little kids (Both of her girls and Monkey were FILTHY by the end of the night). It was nice to hang out with other people who have kids. The Bestie and her other half joined us eventually, sans her little one, and more drinking and talking ensued. Great friends were met, good times and drinks were had. It will be happening again. Said friend will here after be known as BrightEyes - because I swear she's got the brightest eyes, which light up even more when she smiles, and she smiles often (read: all the time). BrightEyes and I took the kids to the mall Saturday, and wandered around for a couple hours. We talked and generally enjoyed ourselves.

Also....Sort of, kind of, met a guy, whom we'll call Dennis. I say sort of, kind of, because we met through an application on Facebook. But we've been emailing for a while and Dennis is - for lack of a better word pretty AWESOME. But as with all awesome men, there is a down fall. He's in Turkey (not Turkish, he's there with the Air Force) and then when he PCS's later this year, he'll be going to England. It sucks, but there's not much to be done about it. I can't say I'm all heart-broken over it, because that would be lying, dear Interwebs. But, it would have been nice. He'll be stateside for two weeks in about two months, and we've planned on meeting then. So that's a little exciting, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why I'm putting myself in a situation where I might *possibly* (read: there's a SLIGHT chance, but not a stalker, clingy, psycho chance) get attached. But I also know that just about EVERYTHING in my life happens for a reason. So I know there's a reason for this. I just need to be patient and let God reveal it to me. Long distance relationships are hard enough in the same country. I can't imagine the obstacles for an overseas long distance relationship. Not to say that in some cases that its not worth it, because I'm sure it is. Passports, money, vacation time..... Those are just a few of the things that come to my mind as being obstacles. I suppose though, that at the very least, I've found myself a pretty awesome friend. One that is definitely worth visiting Turkey, or England - should I ever decide to apply for a passport for me and Monkey.

Still haven't heard anything about moving to a day shift - I think that my Boss may just have been humoring me. Making me think that he wanted to give me a day position. I don't know. I suppose we'll see.

Also, I'm still waiting on the IRS to decide to send me my tax refund. I filed January 26th and it is now March 29th. My mom filed last Sunday and got her money back Friday. The bestie filed two weeks after I did and had her money back less than a week later. It's ridiculous. I'm supposed to have it tomorrow this time, so maybe I'll have it and I can start shopping! (Insert maniacal laughter here - I'll have lots of money to spend and not feel guilty about spending it) I'm getting a new phone - and I'm a little giddy about it. I originally wanted an iPhone, but the pricing is just way out of my comfort zone (even with my tax money coming) because I'm not due for an upgrade until November, and the iPhone has a serious flaw, Interwebs. It does not receive picture mail. This, is a problem for me. The only thing that I don't think that the Eternity has is the millions of applications the iPhone does. But that's OK - I'd go broke buying the stupid applications. Besides, the Eternity is still a touch screen, and can access the internet. Which means that I can post and do all of the other random things I do on the internet while I'm away from my computer. YAY. But - I'm seriously excited about the phone. I just need the IRS to send me my money.

Why I'm A Single Mother

We used to be good friends. Best friends, actually. Then - we crossed a line. We had sex - we had had sex before, but we both knew then that it was nothing meaningful. We were both young, and ignorant. Except for this time, a baby was conceived. Then - he asked me to do something that for me, was out of the question. I just couldn't abort the tiny life growing inside of me. I'd had problems with two other pregnancies, and miscarried both. Then, I found out I was pregnant and I just knew that I'd carry this baby full term - and deliver a healthy baby. But - he didn't want another child. He already had two, and couldn't deal with another, was his argument. Well, it's my body, and my decision too, so I chose to have the baby.
He was so mad at me, and I knew he would be. I waited a while to talk to him, hoping that his anger would subside. And it did. Eventually we started talking again, and he promised that even though there was a long, hard road in front of me, he'd help me out when and how ever he could. Then, I found out he was dating some one, after he had told me he didn't want to date anyone. Not only was he dating some one, he was sleeping with her at the same time he was sleeping with me.
I hated him then. I hated him because he couldn't see that I had been so in love with him, that I wanted to make a relationship work with him, I wanted to heal his hurts from past relationships, hoping that by healing him, I would be healing myself. But, I never let him see it. I wasn't going to let him see how much he was hurting me. I was going to be strong for our baby - because back then, I still thought of my baby as our baby. But, we had a couple arguments, and he refused to tell anyone that I was pregnant. Refused to acknowledge that this was happening. Then - he just stopped answering my calls. So, I stopped calling. Then, about a month before our baby girl was due, we started speaking again. I found out that he had had some legal troubles and there was a possibility that he'd be in jail when the baby was born. So a month later when I went into labor the only people that were at the hospital were my parents and The Bestie. When I filled out the paperwork for her birth certificate - I gave my baby girl my last name. I still don't remember exactly why I did it, but all I can remember is that when I was filling out that paper work I just couldn't force myself to write his last name on it. He got out of jail a week after she was born and waited two days to come see her. When he finally did, he brought along his girlfriend. It killed me that she was holding my baby girl, fawning over her. He got upset about her name and in a moment of strength I told him that if he wanted to change her name, he had until she was a year old to be able to do so with out a court order but that I would not be changing it for him. He would have to do it on his own, he would have to prove his worth of her. He didn't even take the paper work.
For three months after she was born I didn't work and almost daily during those three months, I would call him and take her to see him. We'd spend the better part of the day there - just hanging out. But then, I realized that I was doing all the work. Realized that he wasn't calling me to see her. So - one day I just didn't call. One day turned into two, two into three, and so on. Two weeks passed and he hadn't called. So I called him and told him that if he wanted to see our daughter he would need to call me to see her because I was not going to chase behind him and force her into his life. He said that he just got busy - and that he meant to call. Our problems started all over again. He was seriously acting like we were just friends, and that my child was not in fact, his child too. I felt like he was putting his other two children before her, instead of making her the same priority as them. And he was, he wouldn't ever keep her when he had the other two children but wouldn't keep her when he didn't have them either. He would call the other children's mother and ask for them, or make plans for those children, but didn't bother to make plans for our daughter.
We argued and fought for a while, mostly about money, diapers, food, or him spending time with her. Then when she was about 8 or 9 months old, he just stopped spending time with her at all. And it didn't bother me one bit. He was more of a nuisance than anything else, and I didn't feel like he was really spending time with her because he wanted to. I started planning her birthday party in October - just before Halloween. We had spoken about it a couple of times, but nothing was definite. Then Halloween came and I took my baby girl trick-or-treating. She went in early with my mom (she was spending the weekend with her anyway, and early for me is 8pm which is late for her) but I stayed out with The Bestie and her daughter. We went by the church, and saw him. He walked right by me with his other two children, his girlfriend, and her son, and didn't even bother to ask how the baby was. I know he saw me because his face froze up for a couple seconds. Then I called him about two or three days later and decided not to say anything about Halloween, but instead to focus on her birthday party. I gave him the time, date and location - to which he replied that he wouldn't be coming. I was dumb founded. An argument ensued and I ended up hanging up on him. The day of the party came, and he made good on not showing. Her actual birthday was two days later and he went even farther and didn't even call to tell her happy birthday.
I called him - and we fought again. Fought because I could not understand why he didn't show up to his youngest daughter's FIRST birthday party, why he didn't call her on her actual birthday, why he could just put her off like she was just some random child and not the fruit of his loins. Then he said the worst thing he could ever have said to me, "I wish you would move out of the state for the Army. That way I wouldn't have to worry about you and your daughter."
I've called him once since then, and only because I felt like I wasn't doing enough on my daughters behalf for her to have a relationship with her father. The funny thing is, I think that he feels like he's hurting me and really he's not. He's hurting himself in the long run, because my daughter is doing just fine with out him, and will for the rest of her life. But eventually a time will come when he'll want to be a part of her life, and she'll make him answer questions. She'll make him answer the hard questions - the same ones I tried to make him answer, and the answers won't be good enough for her, because I'm teaching her to be strong and smart. Because she'll know that she's worth more than anything in the world. And when those answers aren't good enough, she won't want anything to do with him.

That Makes 2 This Week!

I got a call from my boss today - about the email I wrote him yesterday concerning moving to a day shift position. At first, I was a little freaked out because it was him and the HR lady calling. I thought "Oh god, I'm losing my job. Shit."

Then, "We were just calling because we wanted to clarify a couple things - well really only one but, if we were unable to find you a position during day shift, would you still be able to work nights?"

Me: "Of course! I'm only asking because my peace of mind would be easier if I worked days, and because I don't want to have to find some one else to watch my daughter at night"

My Boss: "Ok, well - we think that you could do great things for the company in a day position, now we just need to find one that fits your capacity."

Me: "That is so awesome S****! Really! I had hoped that you wouldn't take anything in the email the wrong way. I am by no means looking to leave the company - in fact I truly enjoy working at The Company - I've learned so much there. But yeah, I'd love to move back to a day slot!"

Boss: "Ok, we'll keep you updated. But we are trying to find you something."

Me: "Thanks!"

Uhm, HELLS YEAH! Another victory! Make that 2 for this week, Thank-You-Very-Much!

Closing Chapters

Dear "King",

Writing you letters has always been odd for me, so I'm going to skip the whole intro paragraph and just jump into why I'm writing you. I've decided that there are some chapters in my life that I need to close in order to be able to move on and be a happy person. You, incidentally, happen to be one of those chapters.
You keep me wrapped up in you with the occasional phone calls, the random text messages and the even fewer and farther between MySpace messages. The thing is, I know that you're not really committed to me. You never were. It's taken me almost 4 years to realize it. I think you just enjoy knowing that you've got me all wrapped up in you and that I'd do almost anything for you. But lately, I'm starting to realize that your love was superficial and only something you showed when we were alone. Otherwise, the only time you even acted like we were in a committed relationship was to show your boys that you could tell me to jump and I'd ask how high. I was committed 110% - everything I had I gave.
I need you to leave me alone - stop calling, texting, and stop sending me messages on MySpace. I can't move on if you keep exerting your presence. I need to move on so that I can be happy. So that some one who deserves my love can have it. So that some one can love me, too. You taught me a lot, but - the best thing you ever taught me was to value love.
Please, just stay away. Find some one else to play your games with. Or maybe, you could grow up. But I'll miss you, and it will hurt for a little while, but I need to move on.

-Belle

Small Victories

Nothing much new.

We saw Monkey's donors sister Sunday. She was all excited to see the little one. She was so amazed that Monkey has manners. "Well of course she has manners - you don't think I'm just going to let her run around here and not say please, thank you, sir or ma'am - do you?" The reply was "Well, the other two don't (the other two being her donor's older children) - but then he doesn't have anything to do with raising Monkey, so I guess she'll turn out all right." And apparently my 16 month old is so well behaved that it's just "amazing! You tell her to do something, and she does it!" ( Well, yeah - I do have like THE angel baby)
One small victory for me! YES!

Still waiting on something from child support. I wish they'd send me something. Even if they just send some thing saying that they're not going to give me child support for some reason or another. That way I could stop hoping for what "could be..."

I finally found some one who can keep Monkey for me during the day for what I can afford - and I went to high school with her. She has two kids of her own, and she's a pretty awesome parent. I sent the email to my manager tonight asking about moving back to a day position - while also making it very clear that I don't want to leave the company and that I'll stay in my shift if need be, no sweat.

Here's hoping that I can be spared to go back to a day slot.....

the post in which I talk about everything, and nothing.

Above video was taken about a month ago - I was in the passenger seat while the Ex was driving and turned around to that. It was hilarious. Luckily for me - my cell phone never leaves my hand (except for when I'm posting here, dear World Wide InterWebz!) so I recorded it, and am posting it for your viewing pleasure. (I've also just figured out how to get the videos from my phone to the computer! Don't laugh!)

I have an ultrasound in the morning because my doctor and I are concerned that I could possibly have ovarian cysts. I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing, but I'm still going to hope for the best. Also have an appointment on Friday for a Well Woman visit. Yay! NOT. But whatever.

Still no definite word yet on whether or not the Bestie will have to go Reserves - but she's considering making the transition to AGR (Active Guard Reserves) anyway. Apparently there's a slot on Redstone that is open and her contact at Redstone is trying to hook it up for her. I need to get on the ball and get cleared for duty. Not to mention I need to lose like 4% body fat, and get back in shape. Ok - so I have a lot to do. I just need to do it now.

5 days smoke free and I smell great - I feel like a crazy woman, but I smell good, and that's all that matters, Right?

I told you that this was the post in which I talk about everything and nothing. Didn't I?

The Army

The bestie got an email from a SFC (Sergeant First Class) in the Army today. The email informed her that she could either deploy or go reserves. Technically, she is still a reservist, but she's inactive. Meaning that she's only part of the Army on paper. By going reserves they mean that they want her to report to a unit and drill with them occasionally.

My heart aches for her because I know that one way or another she may have to deploy anyway and leave her 2 year old daughter behind. She's working on a situation that may keep her from having to deploy, yet assigning her to a unit that is reserves, but full time. Meaning that she'll be getting full benefits from the Army (pay, Tricare, and other various benefits). However, the unit is in Alabama, on Redstone Arsenal (Huntsville, Alabama - where we vacationed in January). I have decided that until we have more definite info on the situation, I'm going to work on getting cleared for duty by a civilian doctor. Once I've got that completed, I'm going to get back in the Army. The connection she has on Redstone may be able to help me get an assignment with a unit there too - thus, putting me on Redstone with her. I still haven't heard anything from when I submitted a packet for re-enlisting in October. But I think it's due to the fact that the Army would have to pony up some money to get me cleared for duty. So - if I cross those hurdles and can present them with the paper work I think things may progress a little quicker and more favorably.

Other news - The Monkey is a Social Creature. Be warned - that link goes to a post with some unbearably CUTE pictures.

Terrible Twos - and we haven't even made it to Two.

Why didn't any one tell me that the Terrible Two's starts WAY before the child actually reaches two? This would have been good info to have so that I could have mentally prepared myself.

I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.

NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.

So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.

Precious Monkey Moments.

Moments like this

and this


...make me forget that she's become a very headstrong, independent, and down right stubborn child.

Confession #8 - I can't wait for Summer to be here in all it's glory so that I can put Monkey in too-short toddler shorts and tank tops!

House Warmings, Fake Friends and Dead Beats.

The past weekend was generally ok. Yay for House Warming parties, Hennessy, and Paul Masson! Boo for fake friends, hosts of parties that are never around, and dead-beat dads.

First - I went to a house warming Friday night while the donor's parents had Monkey. Paul Masson is great! I had an awesome time. Played some cards, ate some good food and got a little tipsy. Met some people who posed themselves as friends and then found out the next morning that they were not. The host of said house warming was never present more than 5 minutes at a time and barely even noticed my presence (even though he was supposedly interested in dating me - I'm rolling my eyes here because dude seemed like he had it together and may have been worth my time. He does not, and is not.) I also made a bad decision ( I think the alcohol may or may not have helped me make - leaning more towards may have here) and stopped by the donor's house on my way home to see if I could get him to talk to me. A couple threats (from him) and some shouting (also him) later, no talking happened and I meandered home.

Second. The donor's parents had Monkey Friday night, as previously mentioned. All well and good. I knew that they were going to take her to see some of their family and probably take her to see the donor. After I stopped by his house I knew that they had taken her by there - but was not aware of what had happened during said visit. I went to pick her up and talked to the donor's dad for a little while and found out that they had taken her over there with the intentions of getting him to hang out with her for an hour or so. Fine by me. Well - they got there and he had his other two children, who of course came running out to see Tandy and Papa. They saw the baby, and were fawning over her as they usually do when they get to see her. The donor found out that the baby was in the car and made the girls go inside, and told his parents he was going inside. He indeed went inside and sent his girlfriend out to tell his parents that he did not want to see MY daughter. WTF????? He is truly an ass. I knew that when I stopped by his house that he probably wasn't going to talk to me - and that was a risk that I was willing to take, I just wanted to plead Monkey's case to him once more (I am now OFFICIALLY done trying). Seriously, how can anyone look at a child that they've helped create and NOT claim them or want to be around them? I'm past the stage where it hurt me. It's just not fair that he won't let Monkey's sisters get to know her ( and those little girls are heartbreakingly in love with her) and that he won't even give her the chance at having a relationship with him like the other two do. Amazing that someone who claims he loves his children more than life only takes care of the two children who's mother cheated on him, gave him an STD, stole all his money, and doesn't press him to act like an adult and get a job. Which by the way, ladies and gentleman, he does now have. His girlfriend shared that little tid-bit of info with me when I stopped by - before he started shouting threats and yelling.

Speaking of supporting and taking care of children - I wonder what is taking Child Support so damn LONG????? It's been about 3 weeks since I sent them my second application, and I haven't even so much as gotten a letter letting me know that they've gotten the application or that they're doing anything. It's really starting to get frustrating, because I need that extra help. WIC and my paycheck's cover us - but just barely. And I'm now having to pay for her insurance because according to Medicaid, I make too much for her to qualify for full coverage under Florida Medicaid. Ladies and Gentleman, make no mistake, I make a decent amount hourly - but there's NO WAY that 40 hours a week on my pay is going to cover a monthly premium for the two of us with a regular insurance company.

I can't remember why I even started dating him to begin with now.....

Question....

Is the father of your child (the one you have custody of) really a single parent, if he does no actual parenting???????

A: I think NOT.

Photo Editing

Soooo I created a flickr account tonight, because Blogger uses flickr and it makes posting pics easier.

Anyway, Flickr has this AMAZING photo editor - and well, here's some of the editing I did. (There's only 2 pics because it's a long process)

I know they're not AWESOME - but, they were fun to do! Hope you enjoy!

I love my job.

I love my job. I do.

I do NOT like some of my co-workers. I have tried, really I have. Here's the thing though - I work after-hours and on Sunday. So - when I need assistance with something I must call the person who is On-call, or the in-house techs. So say for instance on a Sunday I ran into a particularly odd issue with an alarm call and couldn't get it figured out. What would I do? Well, call the in-house alarm tech. So I call him up and he doesn't answer. What then? Well, call back in 20 minutes because the alarm monitoring company has only got the alarm on test for an hour and its already been about 15 minutes. 20 minutes goes by and no call back. So I call again, with no answer and leave another message. Finally I get a call back from him and he chastises me. He was in church, and is there EVERY Sunday until about noon. Well, fine. It's great that you go to church. "Sorry to bother you" I say, "but I have a problem at Blahhhhdyblah blah #000."
Except, I'm not sorry. Why did I just apologize?? I'm not sorry for bothering you - this is your job, and you get paid for taking these calls. If you have a problem taking these calls on Sunday, maybe you should get the company to find some one who can answer my questions on Sunday while you're at church. I don't care what you do when you're not at work - but it should not effect the customer, or me. If you have other obligations, maybe you should make provisions so that you're not inconvenienced, and so that the customer is not inconvenienced.....

Jeez. But, I really do love my job.