Wednesday, April 29, 2009

HOT. PINK. PANTS.

YESSSS!!!!!!

Over the Loneliness

I thought I was over being lonely. Thought I was over needing to be in a relationship. Over needing to be some one's other half. Not so much, apparently.

I lie awake in my bed when I go home from work and miss some one I've never met because I hate to sleep alone, and Mr. Right hasn't quite shown up on his white horse yet (Where the hell is he, anyway? He's taking forever to show up!). I could be with someone - and could have a superficially happy relationship - which would provide the tie to some one that I want. But I'm so tired of only *looking* happy.

I know before I can have a happy, healthy relationship I need to be okay with being alone first - but I've NEVER liked to be alone, and when I'm in a good relationship, I'm at my happiest. I don't want to settle for just anyone - and I'm tired of the wrong guys. I've been hurt to the core one time too many - and honestly I don't want to go through it again. I don't want to open myself up and give all of me (Well, what I haven't already given to the Monkey) to another man who could screw me over. I know that in order to have great love - great risk is involved. So my problem now is that I'm lonely, but I don't want just any one - I want some one that I've never met. My Mr. Right. My Superman. Because he won't hurt me. He will understand and accept all my silly little flaws, pet peeves and nuances.

I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. Damn it.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Why I'm happy to be a Single Mother

Instead of being incredibly bitter about the situation that Monkey's biological has put us in by deciding to be an absent parent - I've decided to see the positive in the situation.

I don't have to co-parent with anyone. All decisions regarding raising Monkey are made by me - and only me. I get to decide when she potty trains. I get to decide when she does everything. I don't have to check with another parent about anything.

I get to take all the credit when she does anything amazing (the flip side to this situation is anything that she does wrong is also a reflection on me - but oh well.) I get to take credit for the fact that she is an incredibly HAPPY little girl. And incredibly smart.

I'm the person she cries for when she's hurt, unhappy, and all of the various other things that children need their parents for. It still melts my heart every time she says "Mamao" (because my child is strange, and calls me Mamao, instead of mama or mommy).

I'll be the person thats there for her through everything. And I hope that later in life that I'll be the person that she comes to when she wants to talk about things. I want to be her mom and her confidant. Much like my mom has become my friend.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Who Needs Sleep Anyway?

Last Friday, I got a call from the HR lady informing me that they were getting ready to hire for our busy season - day shift positions, and that she'd like to offer me one. I accepted then and there - excited that I FINALLY was going to move to better hours.

Then, I spent all weekend thinking out the logistics of it. The position offered to me was one I've already conqured with this company. I didn't really enjoy it. When I moved to the night shift, I truly began to enjoy the work I do, and then began to truly love the company I work for. I also realized that if I move to a day position that I'd be sacrificing the amazing amount of time I get to spend with Monkey (not to mention $200 every two weeks to the baby sitter). The more I thought about it, the worse the idea sounded. I'm not sure why I didn't think it through all the way, but I guess I was just stressed out with the lack of sleep and the lack of human (adult) interaction. So, Monday morning I called the HR lady back and told her that while I greatly appreciated the offer, I'd rather work crappy hours and love what I do than work better hours and hate my job. She sounded relieved that she wouldn't have to find some one to cover my shift.

More and more, as a single mom I'm finding out that there's a lot that I have to sacrifice in order to make life better for Monkey. But I'm also finding out that I don't even care that I'm sacrificing sleep and my social life (among other things, like dating).

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

2 Week Recap

Because the last two weeks I haven't posted.

The Monkey and I spent pretty much all last week sick. Yuck. Luckily, we're over it now.

First - Friday, April 3d was spent at BrightEyes. I'm thinking this is the new Friday routine. This Friday the Bestie joined us with the GodBaby, and sans her man. Good drinks and Good food! Yay! Nothing much happened - but we were joined by a incredibly hilarious guy who's chosen the nickname Ssuper (not a typo). Also - I was informed by BrightEyes husband that he is anything but incredibly adorable, so I have to change what I call him. I'll stick with a name he already has - Uncle Will the Chinaman, hereafter called Chinaman for short. Ha!

Last week Gigi and Baboo were on vacation - and spent most of their week sick too. But it was nice to hang out with them. I did get some extra sleep, thanks to Baboo who agreed to hang out with Monkey for a little while so I could take a much needed nap.

Friday, April 10th was Ladies night for the Bestie, BrightEyes and I. We went to a Suns game, sans children and men (like I have one to be without) and had a GRAND time. Ha. Our night ended kind of badly, but it's ok now. There's talk of another ladies night soon, so maybe another Sun's game? Or maybe just a night out to eat and putt-putt golf. We'll see.

Saturday was just BrightEyes, our 3 monkies, and I. We got the girls down at a decent hour and the two of us hung out on the couch eating italian meatballs and chocolate dipped strawberries, drinking sweet tea with sweet tea flavored vodka (who knew????)

Sunday- Easter was a gentle (read: Boring) day. We didn't do much. Hung out with Gigi and cooked. GOOD GOOD FOOD. Fresh green beans with ham hocks and new potatoes, stewed fresh yellow squash, deviled eggs, and ham. YUM.

This week promises to be just as boring as usual - but hey at least there's no potential for drama!