Change In the Air!

Sooooo

Change number One:

I didn't think everything would be done before tomorrow, but I finished it up tonight so.... I'm moving this here blog to Wordpress.com.

Here's the link: Randomocity
Didn't change the name or anything - so if you just search me on Wordpress.com you should be able to find it.

Anyway, don't forget to change whatever you do to check this blog. I'm giving it a week, and then deleting it. I'll start posting to both tomorrow - but keep in mind after next week, I'm deleting this blog and only posting on Wordpress. Don't forget to join me there!

**UPDATE**
I can not create a mailing list on WordPress - so you'll have to go to the site and click on the Subscribe link. It will take you to a FeedBurner site, that will allow you to sign up for email updates when I update there. It's simple. Or..... here's the link for subscribing:
Subscribe to Randomocity on WordPress!

I smell Change...

I've got some new stuff brewing - but I wont share it just yet. I don't want to jinx it. But I will say that I am very excited about it and it will make my life better now, and in the long run. I should have more details tomorrow, so I will update as soon as I have them. But this is why I've been sort of neglecting you.

HOT. PINK. PANTS.

YESSSS!!!!!!

Over the Loneliness

I thought I was over being lonely. Thought I was over needing to be in a relationship. Over needing to be some one's other half. Not so much, apparently.

I lie awake in my bed when I go home from work and miss some one I've never met because I hate to sleep alone, and Mr. Right hasn't quite shown up on his white horse yet (Where the hell is he, anyway? He's taking forever to show up!). I could be with someone - and could have a superficially happy relationship - which would provide the tie to some one that I want. But I'm so tired of only *looking* happy.

I know before I can have a happy, healthy relationship I need to be okay with being alone first - but I've NEVER liked to be alone, and when I'm in a good relationship, I'm at my happiest. I don't want to settle for just anyone - and I'm tired of the wrong guys. I've been hurt to the core one time too many - and honestly I don't want to go through it again. I don't want to open myself up and give all of me (Well, what I haven't already given to the Monkey) to another man who could screw me over. I know that in order to have great love - great risk is involved. So my problem now is that I'm lonely, but I don't want just any one - I want some one that I've never met. My Mr. Right. My Superman. Because he won't hurt me. He will understand and accept all my silly little flaws, pet peeves and nuances.

I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. Damn it.

Why I'm happy to be a Single Mother

Instead of being incredibly bitter about the situation that Monkey's biological has put us in by deciding to be an absent parent - I've decided to see the positive in the situation.

I don't have to co-parent with anyone. All decisions regarding raising Monkey are made by me - and only me. I get to decide when she potty trains. I get to decide when she does everything. I don't have to check with another parent about anything.

I get to take all the credit when she does anything amazing (the flip side to this situation is anything that she does wrong is also a reflection on me - but oh well.) I get to take credit for the fact that she is an incredibly HAPPY little girl. And incredibly smart.

I'm the person she cries for when she's hurt, unhappy, and all of the various other things that children need their parents for. It still melts my heart every time she says "Mamao" (because my child is strange, and calls me Mamao, instead of mama or mommy).

I'll be the person thats there for her through everything. And I hope that later in life that I'll be the person that she comes to when she wants to talk about things. I want to be her mom and her confidant. Much like my mom has become my friend.

Who Needs Sleep Anyway?

Last Friday, I got a call from the HR lady informing me that they were getting ready to hire for our busy season - day shift positions, and that she'd like to offer me one. I accepted then and there - excited that I FINALLY was going to move to better hours.

Then, I spent all weekend thinking out the logistics of it. The position offered to me was one I've already conqured with this company. I didn't really enjoy it. When I moved to the night shift, I truly began to enjoy the work I do, and then began to truly love the company I work for. I also realized that if I move to a day position that I'd be sacrificing the amazing amount of time I get to spend with Monkey (not to mention $200 every two weeks to the baby sitter). The more I thought about it, the worse the idea sounded. I'm not sure why I didn't think it through all the way, but I guess I was just stressed out with the lack of sleep and the lack of human (adult) interaction. So, Monday morning I called the HR lady back and told her that while I greatly appreciated the offer, I'd rather work crappy hours and love what I do than work better hours and hate my job. She sounded relieved that she wouldn't have to find some one to cover my shift.

More and more, as a single mom I'm finding out that there's a lot that I have to sacrifice in order to make life better for Monkey. But I'm also finding out that I don't even care that I'm sacrificing sleep and my social life (among other things, like dating).

2 Week Recap

Because the last two weeks I haven't posted.

The Monkey and I spent pretty much all last week sick. Yuck. Luckily, we're over it now.

First - Friday, April 3d was spent at BrightEyes. I'm thinking this is the new Friday routine. This Friday the Bestie joined us with the GodBaby, and sans her man. Good drinks and Good food! Yay! Nothing much happened - but we were joined by a incredibly hilarious guy who's chosen the nickname Ssuper (not a typo). Also - I was informed by BrightEyes husband that he is anything but incredibly adorable, so I have to change what I call him. I'll stick with a name he already has - Uncle Will the Chinaman, hereafter called Chinaman for short. Ha!

Last week Gigi and Baboo were on vacation - and spent most of their week sick too. But it was nice to hang out with them. I did get some extra sleep, thanks to Baboo who agreed to hang out with Monkey for a little while so I could take a much needed nap.

Friday, April 10th was Ladies night for the Bestie, BrightEyes and I. We went to a Suns game, sans children and men (like I have one to be without) and had a GRAND time. Ha. Our night ended kind of badly, but it's ok now. There's talk of another ladies night soon, so maybe another Sun's game? Or maybe just a night out to eat and putt-putt golf. We'll see.

Saturday was just BrightEyes, our 3 monkies, and I. We got the girls down at a decent hour and the two of us hung out on the couch eating italian meatballs and chocolate dipped strawberries, drinking sweet tea with sweet tea flavored vodka (who knew????)

Sunday- Easter was a gentle (read: Boring) day. We didn't do much. Hung out with Gigi and cooked. GOOD GOOD FOOD. Fresh green beans with ham hocks and new potatoes, stewed fresh yellow squash, deviled eggs, and ham. YUM.

This week promises to be just as boring as usual - but hey at least there's no potential for drama!

No point. Or is there?

I had intentions of writing a meaningful post tonight. But the words have gotten lost in my mind somewhere. So you're stuck instead, reading my thoughtless meanderings.

I'm having trouble focusing on much of anything today - I'm a little frustrated with the IRS since no one at their offices seems to be able to answer any of my questions. And if there is an answer, the person I'm talking to can't give it to me, they have to put in a referral to another department and I have to wait on that department. Which could take up to 45 days. Seriously, I don't understand why they're taking so long with my refund. If I'm not going to get any money then I wish that they'd say that and be done with it. I did my taxes properly, and they're not auditing me - they'd have to notify me using the word audit. So now after being told twice that I'd have my money on x date, I still don't have it and the only straight answer I could get from the person I spoke with is that it could take up to 45 days for me to hear something from the people in the "Examinations Department". Whatever.

I'm glad that BrightEyes found me last week on Facebook. It's nice to have a friend other than the Bestie that I've known since high school and has similar experiences. Not only that, she's got kids and is a stay at home mom, so I have some one to hang out with during the day (when I can get motivated to do anything). I'm realizing now that in my rush to get the hell out of Jacksonville - I may have pushed away a lot of friendships that could have been life-long.

It crossed my mind today that I may not be able to date, like ever again. I work such an odd schedule, that any one I dated would have to have a similar schedule - or be absolutely fine with only seeing me when I could get a babysitter every other week (if then). I can't really let Monkey meet the guys I date anymore. She's getting older and will start to take notice of her surroundings and the people in them. Heaven forbid I meet some one and date him for a while and Monkey gets attached to him right before I find a serious flaw in the relationship (because I am GREAT at sabotaging myself in relationships, and because I am also GREAT at picking the WORST guys ever to date. Seriously - they seem to get worse and worse) and have to break up with him. Even if they worked a similar schedule - I still wouldn't be able to see him during the day because I have Monkey all the time and wouldn't be able to find some one to watch her. So - I'm screwed. Good thing I know I don't need a man, and I'm comfortable being single (finally!). I guess one of these days, I'll return to a normal schedule and be able to date, that is - if I want to.

I'm not too sure what the point of this post was - but I'm sure at some point there was one. I'll get back to you and let you know what it is when I find it.

Of Good Friends, Good Drinks, Phones, and Men

I had a pretty good weekend. Really - I did. How was yours?

An old friend from high school found me on Facebook (you know, the account that I vowed to delete because they were banning pictures of mothers breastfeeding) last week, and we decided to hang out Friday evening, kids in tow. She's got two, and if you count her incredibly adorable hubby - three. But we hung out at their house (NICE, by the way) and ate, talked, drank, and let the girls run around and be little kids (Both of her girls and Monkey were FILTHY by the end of the night). It was nice to hang out with other people who have kids. The Bestie and her other half joined us eventually, sans her little one, and more drinking and talking ensued. Great friends were met, good times and drinks were had. It will be happening again. Said friend will here after be known as BrightEyes - because I swear she's got the brightest eyes, which light up even more when she smiles, and she smiles often (read: all the time). BrightEyes and I took the kids to the mall Saturday, and wandered around for a couple hours. We talked and generally enjoyed ourselves.

Also....Sort of, kind of, met a guy, whom we'll call Dennis. I say sort of, kind of, because we met through an application on Facebook. But we've been emailing for a while and Dennis is - for lack of a better word pretty AWESOME. But as with all awesome men, there is a down fall. He's in Turkey (not Turkish, he's there with the Air Force) and then when he PCS's later this year, he'll be going to England. It sucks, but there's not much to be done about it. I can't say I'm all heart-broken over it, because that would be lying, dear Interwebs. But, it would have been nice. He'll be stateside for two weeks in about two months, and we've planned on meeting then. So that's a little exciting, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why I'm putting myself in a situation where I might *possibly* (read: there's a SLIGHT chance, but not a stalker, clingy, psycho chance) get attached. But I also know that just about EVERYTHING in my life happens for a reason. So I know there's a reason for this. I just need to be patient and let God reveal it to me. Long distance relationships are hard enough in the same country. I can't imagine the obstacles for an overseas long distance relationship. Not to say that in some cases that its not worth it, because I'm sure it is. Passports, money, vacation time..... Those are just a few of the things that come to my mind as being obstacles. I suppose though, that at the very least, I've found myself a pretty awesome friend. One that is definitely worth visiting Turkey, or England - should I ever decide to apply for a passport for me and Monkey.

Still haven't heard anything about moving to a day shift - I think that my Boss may just have been humoring me. Making me think that he wanted to give me a day position. I don't know. I suppose we'll see.

Also, I'm still waiting on the IRS to decide to send me my tax refund. I filed January 26th and it is now March 29th. My mom filed last Sunday and got her money back Friday. The bestie filed two weeks after I did and had her money back less than a week later. It's ridiculous. I'm supposed to have it tomorrow this time, so maybe I'll have it and I can start shopping! (Insert maniacal laughter here - I'll have lots of money to spend and not feel guilty about spending it) I'm getting a new phone - and I'm a little giddy about it. I originally wanted an iPhone, but the pricing is just way out of my comfort zone (even with my tax money coming) because I'm not due for an upgrade until November, and the iPhone has a serious flaw, Interwebs. It does not receive picture mail. This, is a problem for me. The only thing that I don't think that the Eternity has is the millions of applications the iPhone does. But that's OK - I'd go broke buying the stupid applications. Besides, the Eternity is still a touch screen, and can access the internet. Which means that I can post and do all of the other random things I do on the internet while I'm away from my computer. YAY. But - I'm seriously excited about the phone. I just need the IRS to send me my money.

Why I'm A Single Mother

We used to be good friends. Best friends, actually. Then - we crossed a line. We had sex - we had had sex before, but we both knew then that it was nothing meaningful. We were both young, and ignorant. Except for this time, a baby was conceived. Then - he asked me to do something that for me, was out of the question. I just couldn't abort the tiny life growing inside of me. I'd had problems with two other pregnancies, and miscarried both. Then, I found out I was pregnant and I just knew that I'd carry this baby full term - and deliver a healthy baby. But - he didn't want another child. He already had two, and couldn't deal with another, was his argument. Well, it's my body, and my decision too, so I chose to have the baby.
He was so mad at me, and I knew he would be. I waited a while to talk to him, hoping that his anger would subside. And it did. Eventually we started talking again, and he promised that even though there was a long, hard road in front of me, he'd help me out when and how ever he could. Then, I found out he was dating some one, after he had told me he didn't want to date anyone. Not only was he dating some one, he was sleeping with her at the same time he was sleeping with me.
I hated him then. I hated him because he couldn't see that I had been so in love with him, that I wanted to make a relationship work with him, I wanted to heal his hurts from past relationships, hoping that by healing him, I would be healing myself. But, I never let him see it. I wasn't going to let him see how much he was hurting me. I was going to be strong for our baby - because back then, I still thought of my baby as our baby. But, we had a couple arguments, and he refused to tell anyone that I was pregnant. Refused to acknowledge that this was happening. Then - he just stopped answering my calls. So, I stopped calling. Then, about a month before our baby girl was due, we started speaking again. I found out that he had had some legal troubles and there was a possibility that he'd be in jail when the baby was born. So a month later when I went into labor the only people that were at the hospital were my parents and The Bestie. When I filled out the paperwork for her birth certificate - I gave my baby girl my last name. I still don't remember exactly why I did it, but all I can remember is that when I was filling out that paper work I just couldn't force myself to write his last name on it. He got out of jail a week after she was born and waited two days to come see her. When he finally did, he brought along his girlfriend. It killed me that she was holding my baby girl, fawning over her. He got upset about her name and in a moment of strength I told him that if he wanted to change her name, he had until she was a year old to be able to do so with out a court order but that I would not be changing it for him. He would have to do it on his own, he would have to prove his worth of her. He didn't even take the paper work.
For three months after she was born I didn't work and almost daily during those three months, I would call him and take her to see him. We'd spend the better part of the day there - just hanging out. But then, I realized that I was doing all the work. Realized that he wasn't calling me to see her. So - one day I just didn't call. One day turned into two, two into three, and so on. Two weeks passed and he hadn't called. So I called him and told him that if he wanted to see our daughter he would need to call me to see her because I was not going to chase behind him and force her into his life. He said that he just got busy - and that he meant to call. Our problems started all over again. He was seriously acting like we were just friends, and that my child was not in fact, his child too. I felt like he was putting his other two children before her, instead of making her the same priority as them. And he was, he wouldn't ever keep her when he had the other two children but wouldn't keep her when he didn't have them either. He would call the other children's mother and ask for them, or make plans for those children, but didn't bother to make plans for our daughter.
We argued and fought for a while, mostly about money, diapers, food, or him spending time with her. Then when she was about 8 or 9 months old, he just stopped spending time with her at all. And it didn't bother me one bit. He was more of a nuisance than anything else, and I didn't feel like he was really spending time with her because he wanted to. I started planning her birthday party in October - just before Halloween. We had spoken about it a couple of times, but nothing was definite. Then Halloween came and I took my baby girl trick-or-treating. She went in early with my mom (she was spending the weekend with her anyway, and early for me is 8pm which is late for her) but I stayed out with The Bestie and her daughter. We went by the church, and saw him. He walked right by me with his other two children, his girlfriend, and her son, and didn't even bother to ask how the baby was. I know he saw me because his face froze up for a couple seconds. Then I called him about two or three days later and decided not to say anything about Halloween, but instead to focus on her birthday party. I gave him the time, date and location - to which he replied that he wouldn't be coming. I was dumb founded. An argument ensued and I ended up hanging up on him. The day of the party came, and he made good on not showing. Her actual birthday was two days later and he went even farther and didn't even call to tell her happy birthday.
I called him - and we fought again. Fought because I could not understand why he didn't show up to his youngest daughter's FIRST birthday party, why he didn't call her on her actual birthday, why he could just put her off like she was just some random child and not the fruit of his loins. Then he said the worst thing he could ever have said to me, "I wish you would move out of the state for the Army. That way I wouldn't have to worry about you and your daughter."
I've called him once since then, and only because I felt like I wasn't doing enough on my daughters behalf for her to have a relationship with her father. The funny thing is, I think that he feels like he's hurting me and really he's not. He's hurting himself in the long run, because my daughter is doing just fine with out him, and will for the rest of her life. But eventually a time will come when he'll want to be a part of her life, and she'll make him answer questions. She'll make him answer the hard questions - the same ones I tried to make him answer, and the answers won't be good enough for her, because I'm teaching her to be strong and smart. Because she'll know that she's worth more than anything in the world. And when those answers aren't good enough, she won't want anything to do with him.

That Makes 2 This Week!

I got a call from my boss today - about the email I wrote him yesterday concerning moving to a day shift position. At first, I was a little freaked out because it was him and the HR lady calling. I thought "Oh god, I'm losing my job. Shit."

Then, "We were just calling because we wanted to clarify a couple things - well really only one but, if we were unable to find you a position during day shift, would you still be able to work nights?"

Me: "Of course! I'm only asking because my peace of mind would be easier if I worked days, and because I don't want to have to find some one else to watch my daughter at night"

My Boss: "Ok, well - we think that you could do great things for the company in a day position, now we just need to find one that fits your capacity."

Me: "That is so awesome S****! Really! I had hoped that you wouldn't take anything in the email the wrong way. I am by no means looking to leave the company - in fact I truly enjoy working at The Company - I've learned so much there. But yeah, I'd love to move back to a day slot!"

Boss: "Ok, we'll keep you updated. But we are trying to find you something."

Me: "Thanks!"

Uhm, HELLS YEAH! Another victory! Make that 2 for this week, Thank-You-Very-Much!

Closing Chapters

Dear "King",

Writing you letters has always been odd for me, so I'm going to skip the whole intro paragraph and just jump into why I'm writing you. I've decided that there are some chapters in my life that I need to close in order to be able to move on and be a happy person. You, incidentally, happen to be one of those chapters.
You keep me wrapped up in you with the occasional phone calls, the random text messages and the even fewer and farther between MySpace messages. The thing is, I know that you're not really committed to me. You never were. It's taken me almost 4 years to realize it. I think you just enjoy knowing that you've got me all wrapped up in you and that I'd do almost anything for you. But lately, I'm starting to realize that your love was superficial and only something you showed when we were alone. Otherwise, the only time you even acted like we were in a committed relationship was to show your boys that you could tell me to jump and I'd ask how high. I was committed 110% - everything I had I gave.
I need you to leave me alone - stop calling, texting, and stop sending me messages on MySpace. I can't move on if you keep exerting your presence. I need to move on so that I can be happy. So that some one who deserves my love can have it. So that some one can love me, too. You taught me a lot, but - the best thing you ever taught me was to value love.
Please, just stay away. Find some one else to play your games with. Or maybe, you could grow up. But I'll miss you, and it will hurt for a little while, but I need to move on.

-Belle

Small Victories

Nothing much new.

We saw Monkey's donors sister Sunday. She was all excited to see the little one. She was so amazed that Monkey has manners. "Well of course she has manners - you don't think I'm just going to let her run around here and not say please, thank you, sir or ma'am - do you?" The reply was "Well, the other two don't (the other two being her donor's older children) - but then he doesn't have anything to do with raising Monkey, so I guess she'll turn out all right." And apparently my 16 month old is so well behaved that it's just "amazing! You tell her to do something, and she does it!" ( Well, yeah - I do have like THE angel baby)
One small victory for me! YES!

Still waiting on something from child support. I wish they'd send me something. Even if they just send some thing saying that they're not going to give me child support for some reason or another. That way I could stop hoping for what "could be..."

I finally found some one who can keep Monkey for me during the day for what I can afford - and I went to high school with her. She has two kids of her own, and she's a pretty awesome parent. I sent the email to my manager tonight asking about moving back to a day position - while also making it very clear that I don't want to leave the company and that I'll stay in my shift if need be, no sweat.

Here's hoping that I can be spared to go back to a day slot.....

the post in which I talk about everything, and nothing.

Above video was taken about a month ago - I was in the passenger seat while the Ex was driving and turned around to that. It was hilarious. Luckily for me - my cell phone never leaves my hand (except for when I'm posting here, dear World Wide InterWebz!) so I recorded it, and am posting it for your viewing pleasure. (I've also just figured out how to get the videos from my phone to the computer! Don't laugh!)

I have an ultrasound in the morning because my doctor and I are concerned that I could possibly have ovarian cysts. I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing, but I'm still going to hope for the best. Also have an appointment on Friday for a Well Woman visit. Yay! NOT. But whatever.

Still no definite word yet on whether or not the Bestie will have to go Reserves - but she's considering making the transition to AGR (Active Guard Reserves) anyway. Apparently there's a slot on Redstone that is open and her contact at Redstone is trying to hook it up for her. I need to get on the ball and get cleared for duty. Not to mention I need to lose like 4% body fat, and get back in shape. Ok - so I have a lot to do. I just need to do it now.

5 days smoke free and I smell great - I feel like a crazy woman, but I smell good, and that's all that matters, Right?

I told you that this was the post in which I talk about everything and nothing. Didn't I?

The Army

The bestie got an email from a SFC (Sergeant First Class) in the Army today. The email informed her that she could either deploy or go reserves. Technically, she is still a reservist, but she's inactive. Meaning that she's only part of the Army on paper. By going reserves they mean that they want her to report to a unit and drill with them occasionally.

My heart aches for her because I know that one way or another she may have to deploy anyway and leave her 2 year old daughter behind. She's working on a situation that may keep her from having to deploy, yet assigning her to a unit that is reserves, but full time. Meaning that she'll be getting full benefits from the Army (pay, Tricare, and other various benefits). However, the unit is in Alabama, on Redstone Arsenal (Huntsville, Alabama - where we vacationed in January). I have decided that until we have more definite info on the situation, I'm going to work on getting cleared for duty by a civilian doctor. Once I've got that completed, I'm going to get back in the Army. The connection she has on Redstone may be able to help me get an assignment with a unit there too - thus, putting me on Redstone with her. I still haven't heard anything from when I submitted a packet for re-enlisting in October. But I think it's due to the fact that the Army would have to pony up some money to get me cleared for duty. So - if I cross those hurdles and can present them with the paper work I think things may progress a little quicker and more favorably.

Other news - The Monkey is a Social Creature. Be warned - that link goes to a post with some unbearably CUTE pictures.

Terrible Twos - and we haven't even made it to Two.

Why didn't any one tell me that the Terrible Two's starts WAY before the child actually reaches two? This would have been good info to have so that I could have mentally prepared myself.

I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.

NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.

So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.

Precious Monkey Moments.

Moments like this

and this


...make me forget that she's become a very headstrong, independent, and down right stubborn child.

Confession #8 - I can't wait for Summer to be here in all it's glory so that I can put Monkey in too-short toddler shorts and tank tops!

House Warmings, Fake Friends and Dead Beats.

The past weekend was generally ok. Yay for House Warming parties, Hennessy, and Paul Masson! Boo for fake friends, hosts of parties that are never around, and dead-beat dads.

First - I went to a house warming Friday night while the donor's parents had Monkey. Paul Masson is great! I had an awesome time. Played some cards, ate some good food and got a little tipsy. Met some people who posed themselves as friends and then found out the next morning that they were not. The host of said house warming was never present more than 5 minutes at a time and barely even noticed my presence (even though he was supposedly interested in dating me - I'm rolling my eyes here because dude seemed like he had it together and may have been worth my time. He does not, and is not.) I also made a bad decision ( I think the alcohol may or may not have helped me make - leaning more towards may have here) and stopped by the donor's house on my way home to see if I could get him to talk to me. A couple threats (from him) and some shouting (also him) later, no talking happened and I meandered home.

Second. The donor's parents had Monkey Friday night, as previously mentioned. All well and good. I knew that they were going to take her to see some of their family and probably take her to see the donor. After I stopped by his house I knew that they had taken her by there - but was not aware of what had happened during said visit. I went to pick her up and talked to the donor's dad for a little while and found out that they had taken her over there with the intentions of getting him to hang out with her for an hour or so. Fine by me. Well - they got there and he had his other two children, who of course came running out to see Tandy and Papa. They saw the baby, and were fawning over her as they usually do when they get to see her. The donor found out that the baby was in the car and made the girls go inside, and told his parents he was going inside. He indeed went inside and sent his girlfriend out to tell his parents that he did not want to see MY daughter. WTF????? He is truly an ass. I knew that when I stopped by his house that he probably wasn't going to talk to me - and that was a risk that I was willing to take, I just wanted to plead Monkey's case to him once more (I am now OFFICIALLY done trying). Seriously, how can anyone look at a child that they've helped create and NOT claim them or want to be around them? I'm past the stage where it hurt me. It's just not fair that he won't let Monkey's sisters get to know her ( and those little girls are heartbreakingly in love with her) and that he won't even give her the chance at having a relationship with him like the other two do. Amazing that someone who claims he loves his children more than life only takes care of the two children who's mother cheated on him, gave him an STD, stole all his money, and doesn't press him to act like an adult and get a job. Which by the way, ladies and gentleman, he does now have. His girlfriend shared that little tid-bit of info with me when I stopped by - before he started shouting threats and yelling.

Speaking of supporting and taking care of children - I wonder what is taking Child Support so damn LONG????? It's been about 3 weeks since I sent them my second application, and I haven't even so much as gotten a letter letting me know that they've gotten the application or that they're doing anything. It's really starting to get frustrating, because I need that extra help. WIC and my paycheck's cover us - but just barely. And I'm now having to pay for her insurance because according to Medicaid, I make too much for her to qualify for full coverage under Florida Medicaid. Ladies and Gentleman, make no mistake, I make a decent amount hourly - but there's NO WAY that 40 hours a week on my pay is going to cover a monthly premium for the two of us with a regular insurance company.

I can't remember why I even started dating him to begin with now.....

Question....

Is the father of your child (the one you have custody of) really a single parent, if he does no actual parenting???????

A: I think NOT.

Photo Editing

Soooo I created a flickr account tonight, because Blogger uses flickr and it makes posting pics easier.

Anyway, Flickr has this AMAZING photo editor - and well, here's some of the editing I did. (There's only 2 pics because it's a long process)

I know they're not AWESOME - but, they were fun to do! Hope you enjoy!

I love my job.

I love my job. I do.

I do NOT like some of my co-workers. I have tried, really I have. Here's the thing though - I work after-hours and on Sunday. So - when I need assistance with something I must call the person who is On-call, or the in-house techs. So say for instance on a Sunday I ran into a particularly odd issue with an alarm call and couldn't get it figured out. What would I do? Well, call the in-house alarm tech. So I call him up and he doesn't answer. What then? Well, call back in 20 minutes because the alarm monitoring company has only got the alarm on test for an hour and its already been about 15 minutes. 20 minutes goes by and no call back. So I call again, with no answer and leave another message. Finally I get a call back from him and he chastises me. He was in church, and is there EVERY Sunday until about noon. Well, fine. It's great that you go to church. "Sorry to bother you" I say, "but I have a problem at Blahhhhdyblah blah #000."
Except, I'm not sorry. Why did I just apologize?? I'm not sorry for bothering you - this is your job, and you get paid for taking these calls. If you have a problem taking these calls on Sunday, maybe you should get the company to find some one who can answer my questions on Sunday while you're at church. I don't care what you do when you're not at work - but it should not effect the customer, or me. If you have other obligations, maybe you should make provisions so that you're not inconvenienced, and so that the customer is not inconvenienced.....

Jeez. But, I really do love my job.

Confessions Of a Single Mom

Confession #7

I am scared to death of potty training Monkey. Can I just leaver her in diapers until she's old enough to figure it out on her own?

Spring Cleaning

I've decided that I need to do some personal "Spring Cleaning" so to speak. I know I'm a tad bit early, but - this needs to happen.

First, Ms Single Mama has inspired me. She's on a self-imposed Man Diet. I think I will follow suit. I seem to have a bad habit of picking men/boys that either need to be fixed, or are just all around "bad boys". So - I'm going to go on a Man Diet. I'm not sure how long it will last - but for now, I'm good on men.

Second, I need to lose some weight. I've heard before that if you put something in writing you'll feel more compelled to accomplish it. So - I am now going to devote at the very LEAST, 30 minutes a day to doing some type of exercise. I could set up a PT schedule for myself, but I don't see where I would be able to devote an hour each and every day to exercise. 30 minutes is doable because I can keep Monkey entertained with either destroying her bedroom or mine.

Lastly, I am going to quit smoking. If I am going to exercise I'm going to need to be able to breathe, so - I'm going to have to quit smoking. This will be a little harder than the other two, but I need to. Not just so I can exercise - but so that I can live a little longer.

I think these two things will help me feel a little better about myself - which I could use. Feel free to cheer me on.

Confessions of a Single Mom

I must confess some things, because if I don't my head will get all clogged up with the things that I can never say out loud.

First - I love Monkey, and wouldn't give her up to save my life, but God help me. She is DRIVING ME INSANE. She's going through her Terrible 2's and hasn't even made it to TWO. She may not make it either...... (I joke, I kid).

Second - Some days I absolutely love the fact that I'm a single parent - I don't have to compromise on my parenting with anyone. She'll be raised the way *I* want her to be raised.

Third - I've let her go 2 or 3 days with out bathing her. She wasn't really dirty, and I was just flat tired.

Fourth - I may have ruined her. She spends ALL day with me, and her last 2 waking hours are spent with my parents. How am I ever going to get her to go to daycare?

Fifth - I buy her WAY too much stuff. Seriously, I still buy her something every time I go to the store, be it clothes, toys, or some special snack.

Sixth - I put her up for sale on my other blog (not for real, so you can stop freaking out now, and you can hang up the phone with the children's services people). Go see.

Um......I don't see this list ending any time soon, so I'll stop now. To be continued later.....

That Man.

The donor. Monkey's biological father.

I am currently at my wit's end about him. He provides no type of support for her, in fact wants nothing to do with her. When I refused to have the abortion, he said that it would be a long, hard road for me - but he would help out where he could. We agreed then that I would not put him on child support so long as he spent time with her and provided things she needed. This worked out well - for about 2 months. Monkey is now 15 months old and since her birth he has given me maybe $200 for her care. He did buy $20 worth of baby food and 2 jumbo diapers.... when she was about 4 months old (I have since applied for child support - but the state is taking FOREVER). He was in jail when she was born, and the Department of Vital statistics rep said that I could not even so much as list him on her birth certificate with out him being present. He still has not changed that. I gave her my last name because it seemed that he had abandoned us anyway. After he got out of jail, he was adamant that I change her last name to his and I made it clear that he would need to do so - I would not. I wanted him to prove his worth of her.

He has two other amazing daughters who he sees almost daily. He is a wonderful father to them, and loves them both dearly. Here, Ladies and Gentleman, is my problem. Those girls get to know their father, get to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. Why can't my daughter have the same?

Those first couple months of her life I would call him daily and take her to see him. I always said to him, I'll bring her to you and pick her up, just let me know when you want her. I got really busy for a week, right after Monkey turned 3months old, I was looking for a job and had a few interviews lined up. After that week was over, I realized that he had not called me once to see her. So - instead of calling him, I decided to wait another week to see if he would call. The week passed and he didn't call. I realized then, that I was pushing her on him. I had decided before she was born that I would not chase behind him and make him do right by her, and meant it. So I called him and explained that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to make an effort. He needed to call me and let me know when he wanted to see her. My offer still stood, I'd take her to him and pick her up. All he needed to do was let me know when he wanted to see her. A month went by and besides me calling him to ask for diapers, baby food, or money for day care - we didn't hear from him. Another month went by - and I stopped calling. He wasn't calling anyway. I was supporting her on my own and didn't need to beg him for what little money he could give me anyway. We argued a few times - about money, about him not spending time with her, about the injustice of it all. Halloween came and he took his other two daughters trick or treating in our parent's neighborhood. Ladies and Gentleman, he walked right by me (I had already taken Monkey home and put her to bed) and didn't even so much as blink. Nothing. Not "How was her first Halloween?" "Where is Monkey?" "Kiss Monkey for me." NADA.

Her 1st birthday came around and I called to let him know about the plans - to invite him. He said he wouldn't be coming. He didn't want to deal with my family. We argued again. This time because I wanted to make it clear to him that this was about our daughter, not him, not me, not either of our families. He obviously didn't go for it because he didn't show up. His parents and sisters did - they even brought his other two children and his girlfriend's son (which I am a little upset about - but I digress...) A couple days later I called him again - I was livid. He had missed her birthday, all her 1st year milestones, and still hadn't even called to tell her Happy Birthday. An argument ensued - and he said he didn't want to talk to me.

Three months later I've spoken to him twice and he wont budge. I'm torn, because I feel I've done all I can with out losing my sanity, but I feel like I should do more. Monkey is eventually going to ask questions and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be a decent person and not bash him. I don't think its fair that the other two children get to know him and have a relationship with him, but my daughter does not. She wouldn't know him from Adam if she saw him. What do I do? Do I keep trying to contact him for my daughters sake? Or do I leave it alone and hope like hell she doesn't ask questions one day?

Help me out.... I'm lost....

A nice Indian boy.

Friday afternoon, Monkey and I paid a visit to my Trinidadian Mother and Grandmother. It was overall a good visit - but I must share part of the visit with you. I'm sincerely amazed with myself for bringing one of our subjects of discussion up - and then whole-heartedly deciding to submit my self to said topic.

Upon a conversation with a sweet Guyanese girl I know - I found out that since her mother passed, her father has been actively trying to find a nice Indian boy for her to marry. How you ask? Well, he put her on an Indian matrimonial website. She suggested that I submit myself to my elders and let them to the same for me so I could be "tortured" as she was. It's sort of a modern twist on arranged marriage. One of the prospective bride/grooms elders puts a picture and short bio on the site and then lists themselves as the contact. The elders contact each other and set up a meeting so that the families can meet, and the two young people can meet, and get a general feel for each other. From there, the prospective bride and grooms families either continue deliberations or don't. You get the general idea, yes? Ok. Well, I brought this up to my Trini mother, and then half-jokingly, half-seriously suggested that she do the same for me. Then a conversation ensued regarding the necessary qualities that the nice indian boy should have. Here is our list as it stands.

Nice Indian boy qualities:
1. He and his family must be Christian. I will not become Hindu, and will not marry a Hindu man because if we have children, they will not be raised as Hindus.
2. He must know that I have a child and that she is my WORLD. He must agree to treat her as his own, because if he can not love her, I can not love him.
3. He must be between 25 and 30. This is the perfect age range for me, because by this age surely the prospective groom has figured out what he wants in life and is ready to have a partner to share these things with. Over 30, the age difference is too much.
4. He must be American born or have come to the states at a young age. This way, he is used to the American way of thinking and American ways of life. In this way, he will have his parents morals, but not necessarily their views on all things.
5. He must be tolerant of tattoos. I have 6 and am NOT willing to have them lasered off my body.
6. He should be Trinidadian. This is my Trinidadian grandmother's rule. Not sure why, but for now, it sounds fine.
7. His parents must live in the states. Trinidad and Guyana are expensive to travel to and I can not afford to go back and forth several times a year.
8. He must have a big family and be very family oriented. The big family is optional, but he must be family oriented. My family is large and I love all of them dearly. I would like the same qualities in my husband-to-be.

There may have been other requirements, but I can't remember them. (Ma, you're welcome to help me out in remembering here.....)

In this way, I'll find a husband whom my family likes, and will be a nice boy. Besides, I won't have to do much of the work at all. Ma has agreed to be the contact, and will put me on the site. When ever she should find the time.

Can you think of any qualities that my nice Indian boy should have??? What do you think about this??? Comment or email me.

Happy Sunday Loves!

St. Valentine's Day

As I will be celebrating Valentine's alone (with the exception of Monkey, she is my little Valentine, all the love I could ever need!) I thought a history of Valentine's day would be in order.

See who St. Valentine was, and some of the history of the day here, at History.com.

What are your plans??? Who are you sharing the day with???

Monkey and I will spend the day buying stuff.

This sucks, but I wouldn't take it any other way.

I've finally realized that being a single parent truly sucks.

I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.

First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.

Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.

But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.

I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.

So, yes....

This single parenting thing sucks, but.....

I wouldn't take it any other way.

Why?

Just a couple things.....


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money in the account to begin with?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses** **are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart and then apologizes why do we say that it's ok, when we know it's not?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off a table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why is it that In winter we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And now Ladies and Gentleman.....

for your viewing pleasure.....

He Left.

He left today.

By he - I mean Boyfriend Crazy, who is now the Ex. I took him to his sisters' house and dropped him off. I expected an awkward good-bye but thats not what I got. Instead he said "See ya" turned around and went in the house. It was strange.

I got home and he called me. Called to tell me that while I had been in the shower this morning he had gone through my phone and that he was sorry for having done it. Not sure what he was looking for, but I hope he found what ever it was. He said we could still be friends, but that he was hurt. It was weird being at home with out him. The house was quiet. I know its because he became part of our daily routine and now he's missing from it, but it still feels weird.

Here's the deal. I know I hurt him, but I did NOT do so intentionally. I feel horrible. I said "forever" and the rest of my life at the beginning. I meant it then. But I never foresaw falling out of love. While I do love him, I'm no longer in love with him.

Now I'm wondering is there really a "forever" with some one? And if there is, who is that some one? Have I already found him and discarded him? When does my forever start?

So, now its back to the daily grind sans 1. Just me and the little one.

Randomocity!

For real - I have a few things I need to update on - so.......

First - I put up a poll on the other blog because I'm changing the babys nick name for blog purposes. Go vote. Please and thank you.

Second - We went to the pediatrician today - Baby Crazy does NOT have diabetes or hypo/hyperglycemia. Good. She still is not pooping on her own and so we're going to keep her on milk of magnesia. Bad. I hate giving her a laxative every day. She got a couple shots she was due for and was generally unhappy about them. But she finally weighs 20lbs. So she gained like a pound and some thing since November.

Third - I finally figured out the situation with the boyfriend. I decided that it wasn't worth it for either of us to stay in the relationship. I'm not happy and its not fair to him to be in a relationship with some one who doesn't love him the way he should be. So - I called it quits today. He took it pretty hard and made me feel pretty bad, but for the first time, I was firm and stood my ground instead of giving in. (Hells yea for me!!!)

Lastly - Can you people comment??? I know you're reading. Its not that hard - I even opened up the comments so that people can comment anonymously. Jeez. If you had a blog I'd leave you some love too.

Anyway - have a good night and may your day tomorrow be a good one!!!

Quote of the day: Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.

1001 Rules

I found this the other day - and thought it was pretty cool..... I may have to copy.....

A guy wrote 1001 Rules for his Unborn son. I liked it. Check it out Here.

Hair

So I went Thursday to get my hair TRIMMED.

I went to my beloved and trusted Hair Guru - she's awesome. She's worked wonders with my hair for almost 2 years.

I got there and told her that I had recently done a home perm and the results were Ok - but now I needed a trim. Just a trim and maybe some layers. We talked for a couple minutes and decided that layers and a trim were a definite must. She was going to take off an inch.

So the hair cutting commenced. We talked and got on and laughed. When she was done I stood up and looked at my hair. She cut almost 3 inches off the front.... and trimmed the back. WTH???? The back was WAY longer than the front and I had a freakin mullet. No go - so I asked her to even it out. She told me I didnt want it that short and then I made it very clear that I could NOT walk around with the front of my hair a different length than the back. I finally convinced her to cut it all even and.... Now my hair is ABOVE my shoulders. If you know me you know I didn't even do that for the army and I HATE my hair being that short.

I've made peace with my hair and it actually looks GOOD. I'm fine with it now. I know you want to see pictures so I'll post one later on.

Other news - Baby Crazy may have diabetes! What??? Check it out here.

New year, new hair.... Right???

Guidance???

I'm in a situation that I don't know how to handle - and I need to vent....

So - when I got with my current man - I was CONVINCED that he was my last, my one, my only. But.... I guess I wanted what that represented so badly I made myself believe that there was something there that isn't. I did honestly feel that heart-crushing love for two months and loved every-minute of it. But now I don't feel it. I find it harder every day to find some level to connect with him on. We are two VERY different people. I don't love him the way I should love some one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't really know what I should do either. I know he loves me - and I know that breaking up would hurt him badly, but I can't see staying with him and not being happy. I feel repressed.

Intellectually he is not my equal and it makes it really hard to have conversations about anything other than domestic things. That may sound horrible, but it's the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. I love to read and he thinks its stupid - which is also a problem, reading is where knowledge comes from.

He's great with the baby - but he gets frustrated too easily and if some thing EVER happened to the little person.... well....let's just not go there.

I have love for him, but I'm not in love with him. I could very well see myself being friends with him, but not his wife.

I don't know what to do - I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be unhappy.....

Promised Randomness

I'm back from vacation!

First - overwhelming response to my who's reading post. Really.....

Vacation was awesome. Alabama is like a different country. The people there are all so friendly and chatty. I kind of wish (read: do wish) I was still there - except for with Baby Crazy. I enjoyed 4 days in an RV with no hot water (thank God for heat and bath houses). We actually didn't end up doing any of the planned events - and spent a good portion (read: most) of vacation drunk. It was nice to not have any responsibilities. We headed home on Monday relatively early - but got side tracked about an hour into the trip and ended up at Cathedral Caverns. Two hours later - we started the rest of our trip home, the whole way talking about how we wished we could stay. We took some pictures - not as many as we did on our last trip up - but we did get some really good ones, so I just need to get them on the computer and get them resized. Which I plan on trying to do tomorrow.

Oh - I did my taxes yesterday! (And by I, I mean my Mom) I am so excited about the amount I'm getting - which won't be shared here, but I could technically buy a car - used, but a car none the less. Except there's some debt I need to pay off and a fish tank that I need to buy. (Ok, so I don't need the fish tank - but I want it really badly) And I have a car that runs and is in pretty good shape - so I don't need a car.

Pine Tarts

A guyanese sweet - pastry. Kind of like turnovers.

Ingredients:
2 boxes pie crust (4 pie crusts)
1 large can crushed pineapple
1 1/2 cups sugar
4-5 egg yolks

Pre-heat oven to 350.

Drain most of the liquid off the pineapple and put into a saucepot w/ sugar. Boil until all liquid has been absorbed.

Beat egg yolks together, set aside.

Lay two crusts on top of each other and cut into 9 pieces. Take a fork and pinch together two sides of each piece. Stuff pineapple mix into the pieces and then pinch closed. Brush the tops with the yolk.

Bake 15-20 min or until golden brown.

Hope you enjoy!!!

Gone on Vacation!!!!

Vacation starts today people!

I am excited. I need a break. I need to get away and forget about everything for a couple days. I won't like my bank account when I come home - but hey, you only live once right???

There are some plans for the vacation (which defeats the purpose of vacation if you ask me, but whatever). We're supposed to go to a monster truck show and some indoor motocross thing. Never been to either - so it should be fun. If not, I'll get heavily drunk and then it will be fun.

Anyway - last night I was playing around with the HTML on the blog because I wanted the option of making my posts expandable. Let me just say that HTML SUCKS. I found a code that worked - here's the problem though, it worked retrospectively too. "Read More!" showed up at the beginning of all the old posts. So I picked a new template and took the HTML out of the formatting area. Should have cleared it out right???? NO. I had to go back through all of that code and delete like 4 lines of code that somehow sneaked into the new template. PAIN IN THE ASS. I need to figure out how to make it NOT show up in the old posts. Can any one help out with this????

Soooo Who's Reading???

So - I got a bit of a surprise the other day when I checked my Single Parenthood post and saw that Single Mom Seeking had commented. I was a little shocked - I didn't really think that any one was reading my blog - let alone commenting. She's pretty awesome, by the way. I finally checked out her blog.

Anyway, it got me wondering. Who's reading my blog??? Soooo if you would ever so kindly leave a comment and let me know - I'd really appreciate it. I'm curious now.

President Barack Obama

So.... I'd like to say that I'm a great American citizen and that I spent the day glued to my TV watching the inauguration. But..... I didn't, so I can't.

I did keep up with it here and there - but I was busy chasing behind Baby Crazy who has recently discovered that she can run. (I remember when I wished that she'd start walking - now I just want her to sit down!!!)

But - I will say that I feel like so much is going to change - and fast. Today the air felt fresh and new (maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, or maybe it was just cold). I'm excited for a new age. I'm excited that I am alive when some thing so historic that is NOT tragedy happened.

Anyway - Here's to you President Barack Obama and hoping your first four years in office that you accomplish great things!

Btw - isn't his family adorable??

Cooking....

Because I love food - and I love to cook I've decided to post recipes of stuff that I make, and stuff that I know how to make. Because who doesn't like new recipes????

Single Parenthood

Today is just one of those days for me - I'm feeling all crappy and down.

I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend - I'm a single parent and it's just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out - but... well, I don't know how to explain it, but he's not her dad and I don't rely on him for much of anything.

While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone - the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn't have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn't even realize that it wasn't the "norm" to have only one parent. When she was born - we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.

Now - I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can't imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do - the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything - and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I'm still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.

I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well - I still can't afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don't want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what's going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don't get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend - but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.

I'm sure this post seems random - but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now.....
One of Baby Crazy's one year pics - my fav. one.

Va-ca!

I had all these wonderful ideas for posts this weekend while I was ignoring my poor blogs - and now I've lost them. That's what I get for ignoring the poor things.

No clue as to where all the ideas have gone, but maybe they'll come back some day.

So since I can't think of any of them - I'll write about my up-coming va-ca to Alabama.

I'm so frickin excited - I'm going to freeze to death, but hey! Its not Home! Going with the Bestie (we're actually speaking - and she seems to be uber excited). We're going up for a couple days to see some friends (ok, so they're all her friends - as I'm a loser and don't have friends) and camp in an RV spot. There will be much drinking, laughing, eating and general happiness. This is the plan anyway. The 9 hours up is always hard - but, we are NOT using the GPS this time (I don't trust the damn thing. It got us L.O.S.T. on the way up last time - and lost in back woods DARK Alabama is a very, very, scary thing.) We'll use it for general guidance, but we'll be trusting the good old map (read: mapquest.com) and Reggie (one of the persons we're going to visit, who knows the best way to go up.). Wooohooo for va-ca! I will be posting pics - as she and I have nothing better to do than take pictures of EVERYTHING.

Anyway - I'll probably post again later as I'm bored and have nothing to do.

Facebook

Sucks.

Really. I'm deleting mine - check out why here.

BREAST-FEEDING IS NOT OBSCENE, PORNOGRAPHIC, OR EXPLICIT IN ANY WAY YOU BASS ACKWARD DUCKS!

So, I am....

Feeling like I need to write - and not too sure what to write, so I'll be rambling. Thanks for Obliging!

Moving. Took a while to make the decision to do so - and it has alot to do with yesterday's letter to the Bestie. It was hard to make the decision. Now that I have I feel a little better. It also helps that said Bestie is speaking (read: texting) to me now. I think I'd die with out her. Maybe I'll be able to finally get into college.

The Bestie. She's been my back bone forever - really. She's NOT a horrible person - I let things build up in me with out saying anything to her. I shouldn't have let things build up like they did and now my relationship with her is in danger. This is scary - I've known her 11 almost 12 years (half my life people). No idea what I would do with out her and quite frankly, I don't want to find out. She did agree today to still go on our va-ca at the end of the month to possibly repair our fractured friendship (or maybe she's just going to leave me in Alabama, lol). I don't expect miracles - just some semblance of normalcy (which for us would be none, chaos would be more like it). So I'm hopeful for that.

Work. Well - let me just say that while I love my job, its gradually starting to wear on me. I work nights so that my kid doesn't have to attend a nasty, germ-infested daycare. But I think I get maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day. Thats it. There is a possiblity that I may move to day shift, but the negotiations are still in progress and I'd need to find some one (NOT a day care, a person) that I trust to watch Baby Crazy.

Blogs. I don't really know who I think I'm kidding - my life is boring, at best. But - the other blog I have is for friends and distant family, so they can keep up with Baby Crazy. This one is for me to vent, ramble (as I'm doing now) and to find some kind of way to express my self (read: talk to myself with out other people looking at me like I'm nuts).

Other things....

Christmas and Christmas Eve pics found.....

HERE!

Cuteness Over-load.

Apparently - I'm still corny in love with my kid. Ok - so I am. But so what???? She is awesomeness!

To You:

Dearest Best Friend....

After today's events I can understand how you would feel like I was "breaking up" with you. But let me say now, that that was NOT my intention. I would never do such a thing. Here's the thing - you and I have a completely different idea on what is and is not necessary. We also have two completely different parenting styles (we're teaching the girls the same thing in two different ways and thus completely and effectively confusing the CRAP out of them. Therefore they act like little NUTS all the time.) I'm a no nonsense parent and you're more of an attachment parent. I dont think children should be rewarded for things they are SUPPOSED to do - you see rewarding them as encouragement.

But - I had to do this for the little one and for my mental well-being. I think that we are supposed to be best friends, but that we're not supposed to live together long term. I love you like a sister. You have been my rock through everything I've been through. My one TRUE friend. I don't want to lose you. I understand that you're upset. I know that you'll need time to digest things - and maybe think about forgiving me.

Maybe one day, you will forgive me and we can go back to being the best of bests.

Love,

Me

Dreams.

I had the most *HORRIBLE* dream last night.... I actually woke up crying.

I dreamed that I had dropped the little one off at my mothers house for the weekend and gone shopping for groceries and such. I got a call from the Donor - he wanted to know if he could go by my moms house and see the baby. I said he could and called my mom to let her know he'd be coming by. Somehow - when he got there he convinced her that I said he could take the baby for a while. Mom packed him a bag for the baby and he left with my child. Can you see where this is going??? Thats right, he STOLE MY BABY!

I call my mom a couple hours later and I'm asking her where the baby is, and she tells me the baby is with the Donor. I FLIPPED. I went to his house to get my baby and his house is EMPTY. No cars, no shoes, no blinds - I look through the windows and it looks like the house is completely devoid of any creature comforts. I race over to his parents house and they tell me that he's MOVED to friggen Hilliard. EXCUSE ME? HILLIARD? WITH MY CHILD??? Call mom and tell her and she starts crying uncontrollably - I ask Dad if we can go to Hilliard to get my baby and he says he'll have to "think about it, because after all, Hilliard is pretty far" (Ladies and Gentleman - for the record - Guid LOVES the baby and I think if anything were to happen he would go to the ends of the earth for her and, Hilliard is about 45 min away).

I woke up at this point - crying. I couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour.

So what in the world does that mean????? Must look it up.....

What was the last horrible dream you had??? Any ideas about what it meant???

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year by the way..... Lol =)