Guidance???

I'm in a situation that I don't know how to handle - and I need to vent....

So - when I got with my current man - I was CONVINCED that he was my last, my one, my only. But.... I guess I wanted what that represented so badly I made myself believe that there was something there that isn't. I did honestly feel that heart-crushing love for two months and loved every-minute of it. But now I don't feel it. I find it harder every day to find some level to connect with him on. We are two VERY different people. I don't love him the way I should love some one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't really know what I should do either. I know he loves me - and I know that breaking up would hurt him badly, but I can't see staying with him and not being happy. I feel repressed.

Intellectually he is not my equal and it makes it really hard to have conversations about anything other than domestic things. That may sound horrible, but it's the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. I love to read and he thinks its stupid - which is also a problem, reading is where knowledge comes from.

He's great with the baby - but he gets frustrated too easily and if some thing EVER happened to the little person.... well....let's just not go there.

I have love for him, but I'm not in love with him. I could very well see myself being friends with him, but not his wife.

I don't know what to do - I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be unhappy.....

Promised Randomness

I'm back from vacation!

First - overwhelming response to my who's reading post. Really.....

Vacation was awesome. Alabama is like a different country. The people there are all so friendly and chatty. I kind of wish (read: do wish) I was still there - except for with Baby Crazy. I enjoyed 4 days in an RV with no hot water (thank God for heat and bath houses). We actually didn't end up doing any of the planned events - and spent a good portion (read: most) of vacation drunk. It was nice to not have any responsibilities. We headed home on Monday relatively early - but got side tracked about an hour into the trip and ended up at Cathedral Caverns. Two hours later - we started the rest of our trip home, the whole way talking about how we wished we could stay. We took some pictures - not as many as we did on our last trip up - but we did get some really good ones, so I just need to get them on the computer and get them resized. Which I plan on trying to do tomorrow.

Oh - I did my taxes yesterday! (And by I, I mean my Mom) I am so excited about the amount I'm getting - which won't be shared here, but I could technically buy a car - used, but a car none the less. Except there's some debt I need to pay off and a fish tank that I need to buy. (Ok, so I don't need the fish tank - but I want it really badly) And I have a car that runs and is in pretty good shape - so I don't need a car.

Pine Tarts

A guyanese sweet - pastry. Kind of like turnovers.

Ingredients:
2 boxes pie crust (4 pie crusts)
1 large can crushed pineapple
1 1/2 cups sugar
4-5 egg yolks

Pre-heat oven to 350.

Drain most of the liquid off the pineapple and put into a saucepot w/ sugar. Boil until all liquid has been absorbed.

Beat egg yolks together, set aside.

Lay two crusts on top of each other and cut into 9 pieces. Take a fork and pinch together two sides of each piece. Stuff pineapple mix into the pieces and then pinch closed. Brush the tops with the yolk.

Bake 15-20 min or until golden brown.

Hope you enjoy!!!

Gone on Vacation!!!!

Vacation starts today people!

I am excited. I need a break. I need to get away and forget about everything for a couple days. I won't like my bank account when I come home - but hey, you only live once right???

There are some plans for the vacation (which defeats the purpose of vacation if you ask me, but whatever). We're supposed to go to a monster truck show and some indoor motocross thing. Never been to either - so it should be fun. If not, I'll get heavily drunk and then it will be fun.

Anyway - last night I was playing around with the HTML on the blog because I wanted the option of making my posts expandable. Let me just say that HTML SUCKS. I found a code that worked - here's the problem though, it worked retrospectively too. "Read More!" showed up at the beginning of all the old posts. So I picked a new template and took the HTML out of the formatting area. Should have cleared it out right???? NO. I had to go back through all of that code and delete like 4 lines of code that somehow sneaked into the new template. PAIN IN THE ASS. I need to figure out how to make it NOT show up in the old posts. Can any one help out with this????

Soooo Who's Reading???

So - I got a bit of a surprise the other day when I checked my Single Parenthood post and saw that Single Mom Seeking had commented. I was a little shocked - I didn't really think that any one was reading my blog - let alone commenting. She's pretty awesome, by the way. I finally checked out her blog.

Anyway, it got me wondering. Who's reading my blog??? Soooo if you would ever so kindly leave a comment and let me know - I'd really appreciate it. I'm curious now.

President Barack Obama

So.... I'd like to say that I'm a great American citizen and that I spent the day glued to my TV watching the inauguration. But..... I didn't, so I can't.

I did keep up with it here and there - but I was busy chasing behind Baby Crazy who has recently discovered that she can run. (I remember when I wished that she'd start walking - now I just want her to sit down!!!)

But - I will say that I feel like so much is going to change - and fast. Today the air felt fresh and new (maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, or maybe it was just cold). I'm excited for a new age. I'm excited that I am alive when some thing so historic that is NOT tragedy happened.

Anyway - Here's to you President Barack Obama and hoping your first four years in office that you accomplish great things!

Btw - isn't his family adorable??

Cooking....

Because I love food - and I love to cook I've decided to post recipes of stuff that I make, and stuff that I know how to make. Because who doesn't like new recipes????

Single Parenthood

Today is just one of those days for me - I'm feeling all crappy and down.

I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend - I'm a single parent and it's just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out - but... well, I don't know how to explain it, but he's not her dad and I don't rely on him for much of anything.

While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone - the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn't have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn't even realize that it wasn't the "norm" to have only one parent. When she was born - we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.

Now - I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can't imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do - the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything - and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I'm still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.

I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well - I still can't afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don't want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what's going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don't get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend - but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.

I'm sure this post seems random - but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now.....
One of Baby Crazy's one year pics - my fav. one.

Va-ca!

I had all these wonderful ideas for posts this weekend while I was ignoring my poor blogs - and now I've lost them. That's what I get for ignoring the poor things.

No clue as to where all the ideas have gone, but maybe they'll come back some day.

So since I can't think of any of them - I'll write about my up-coming va-ca to Alabama.

I'm so frickin excited - I'm going to freeze to death, but hey! Its not Home! Going with the Bestie (we're actually speaking - and she seems to be uber excited). We're going up for a couple days to see some friends (ok, so they're all her friends - as I'm a loser and don't have friends) and camp in an RV spot. There will be much drinking, laughing, eating and general happiness. This is the plan anyway. The 9 hours up is always hard - but, we are NOT using the GPS this time (I don't trust the damn thing. It got us L.O.S.T. on the way up last time - and lost in back woods DARK Alabama is a very, very, scary thing.) We'll use it for general guidance, but we'll be trusting the good old map (read: mapquest.com) and Reggie (one of the persons we're going to visit, who knows the best way to go up.). Wooohooo for va-ca! I will be posting pics - as she and I have nothing better to do than take pictures of EVERYTHING.

Anyway - I'll probably post again later as I'm bored and have nothing to do.

Facebook

Sucks.

Really. I'm deleting mine - check out why here.

BREAST-FEEDING IS NOT OBSCENE, PORNOGRAPHIC, OR EXPLICIT IN ANY WAY YOU BASS ACKWARD DUCKS!

So, I am....

Feeling like I need to write - and not too sure what to write, so I'll be rambling. Thanks for Obliging!

Moving. Took a while to make the decision to do so - and it has alot to do with yesterday's letter to the Bestie. It was hard to make the decision. Now that I have I feel a little better. It also helps that said Bestie is speaking (read: texting) to me now. I think I'd die with out her. Maybe I'll be able to finally get into college.

The Bestie. She's been my back bone forever - really. She's NOT a horrible person - I let things build up in me with out saying anything to her. I shouldn't have let things build up like they did and now my relationship with her is in danger. This is scary - I've known her 11 almost 12 years (half my life people). No idea what I would do with out her and quite frankly, I don't want to find out. She did agree today to still go on our va-ca at the end of the month to possibly repair our fractured friendship (or maybe she's just going to leave me in Alabama, lol). I don't expect miracles - just some semblance of normalcy (which for us would be none, chaos would be more like it). So I'm hopeful for that.

Work. Well - let me just say that while I love my job, its gradually starting to wear on me. I work nights so that my kid doesn't have to attend a nasty, germ-infested daycare. But I think I get maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day. Thats it. There is a possiblity that I may move to day shift, but the negotiations are still in progress and I'd need to find some one (NOT a day care, a person) that I trust to watch Baby Crazy.

Blogs. I don't really know who I think I'm kidding - my life is boring, at best. But - the other blog I have is for friends and distant family, so they can keep up with Baby Crazy. This one is for me to vent, ramble (as I'm doing now) and to find some kind of way to express my self (read: talk to myself with out other people looking at me like I'm nuts).

Other things....

Christmas and Christmas Eve pics found.....

HERE!

Cuteness Over-load.

Apparently - I'm still corny in love with my kid. Ok - so I am. But so what???? She is awesomeness!

To You:

Dearest Best Friend....

After today's events I can understand how you would feel like I was "breaking up" with you. But let me say now, that that was NOT my intention. I would never do such a thing. Here's the thing - you and I have a completely different idea on what is and is not necessary. We also have two completely different parenting styles (we're teaching the girls the same thing in two different ways and thus completely and effectively confusing the CRAP out of them. Therefore they act like little NUTS all the time.) I'm a no nonsense parent and you're more of an attachment parent. I dont think children should be rewarded for things they are SUPPOSED to do - you see rewarding them as encouragement.

But - I had to do this for the little one and for my mental well-being. I think that we are supposed to be best friends, but that we're not supposed to live together long term. I love you like a sister. You have been my rock through everything I've been through. My one TRUE friend. I don't want to lose you. I understand that you're upset. I know that you'll need time to digest things - and maybe think about forgiving me.

Maybe one day, you will forgive me and we can go back to being the best of bests.

Love,

Me

Dreams.

I had the most *HORRIBLE* dream last night.... I actually woke up crying.

I dreamed that I had dropped the little one off at my mothers house for the weekend and gone shopping for groceries and such. I got a call from the Donor - he wanted to know if he could go by my moms house and see the baby. I said he could and called my mom to let her know he'd be coming by. Somehow - when he got there he convinced her that I said he could take the baby for a while. Mom packed him a bag for the baby and he left with my child. Can you see where this is going??? Thats right, he STOLE MY BABY!

I call my mom a couple hours later and I'm asking her where the baby is, and she tells me the baby is with the Donor. I FLIPPED. I went to his house to get my baby and his house is EMPTY. No cars, no shoes, no blinds - I look through the windows and it looks like the house is completely devoid of any creature comforts. I race over to his parents house and they tell me that he's MOVED to friggen Hilliard. EXCUSE ME? HILLIARD? WITH MY CHILD??? Call mom and tell her and she starts crying uncontrollably - I ask Dad if we can go to Hilliard to get my baby and he says he'll have to "think about it, because after all, Hilliard is pretty far" (Ladies and Gentleman - for the record - Guid LOVES the baby and I think if anything were to happen he would go to the ends of the earth for her and, Hilliard is about 45 min away).

I woke up at this point - crying. I couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour.

So what in the world does that mean????? Must look it up.....

What was the last horrible dream you had??? Any ideas about what it meant???

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year by the way..... Lol =)