I thought I was over being lonely. Thought I was over needing to be in a relationship. Over needing to be some one's other half. Not so much, apparently.
I lie awake in my bed when I go home from work and miss some one I've never met because I hate to sleep alone, and Mr. Right hasn't quite shown up on his white horse yet (Where the hell is he, anyway? He's taking forever to show up!). I could be with someone - and could have a superficially happy relationship - which would provide the tie to some one that I want. But I'm so tired of only *looking* happy.
I know before I can have a happy, healthy relationship I need to be okay with being alone first - but I've NEVER liked to be alone, and when I'm in a good relationship, I'm at my happiest. I don't want to settle for just anyone - and I'm tired of the wrong guys. I've been hurt to the core one time too many - and honestly I don't want to go through it again. I don't want to open myself up and give all of me (Well, what I haven't already given to the Monkey) to another man who could screw me over. I know that in order to have great love - great risk is involved. So my problem now is that I'm lonely, but I don't want just any one - I want some one that I've never met. My Mr. Right. My Superman. Because he won't hurt me. He will understand and accept all my silly little flaws, pet peeves and nuances.
I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. Damn it.
Notes from AYA: ONE Girls & Women
19 minutes ago