Why I'm happy to be a Single Mother

Instead of being incredibly bitter about the situation that Monkey's biological has put us in by deciding to be an absent parent - I've decided to see the positive in the situation.

I don't have to co-parent with anyone. All decisions regarding raising Monkey are made by me - and only me. I get to decide when she potty trains. I get to decide when she does everything. I don't have to check with another parent about anything.

I get to take all the credit when she does anything amazing (the flip side to this situation is anything that she does wrong is also a reflection on me - but oh well.) I get to take credit for the fact that she is an incredibly HAPPY little girl. And incredibly smart.

I'm the person she cries for when she's hurt, unhappy, and all of the various other things that children need their parents for. It still melts my heart every time she says "Mamao" (because my child is strange, and calls me Mamao, instead of mama or mommy).

I'll be the person thats there for her through everything. And I hope that later in life that I'll be the person that she comes to when she wants to talk about things. I want to be her mom and her confidant. Much like my mom has become my friend.

Who Needs Sleep Anyway?

Last Friday, I got a call from the HR lady informing me that they were getting ready to hire for our busy season - day shift positions, and that she'd like to offer me one. I accepted then and there - excited that I FINALLY was going to move to better hours.

Then, I spent all weekend thinking out the logistics of it. The position offered to me was one I've already conqured with this company. I didn't really enjoy it. When I moved to the night shift, I truly began to enjoy the work I do, and then began to truly love the company I work for. I also realized that if I move to a day position that I'd be sacrificing the amazing amount of time I get to spend with Monkey (not to mention $200 every two weeks to the baby sitter). The more I thought about it, the worse the idea sounded. I'm not sure why I didn't think it through all the way, but I guess I was just stressed out with the lack of sleep and the lack of human (adult) interaction. So, Monday morning I called the HR lady back and told her that while I greatly appreciated the offer, I'd rather work crappy hours and love what I do than work better hours and hate my job. She sounded relieved that she wouldn't have to find some one to cover my shift.

More and more, as a single mom I'm finding out that there's a lot that I have to sacrifice in order to make life better for Monkey. But I'm also finding out that I don't even care that I'm sacrificing sleep and my social life (among other things, like dating).

2 Week Recap

Because the last two weeks I haven't posted.

The Monkey and I spent pretty much all last week sick. Yuck. Luckily, we're over it now.

First - Friday, April 3d was spent at BrightEyes. I'm thinking this is the new Friday routine. This Friday the Bestie joined us with the GodBaby, and sans her man. Good drinks and Good food! Yay! Nothing much happened - but we were joined by a incredibly hilarious guy who's chosen the nickname Ssuper (not a typo). Also - I was informed by BrightEyes husband that he is anything but incredibly adorable, so I have to change what I call him. I'll stick with a name he already has - Uncle Will the Chinaman, hereafter called Chinaman for short. Ha!

Last week Gigi and Baboo were on vacation - and spent most of their week sick too. But it was nice to hang out with them. I did get some extra sleep, thanks to Baboo who agreed to hang out with Monkey for a little while so I could take a much needed nap.

Friday, April 10th was Ladies night for the Bestie, BrightEyes and I. We went to a Suns game, sans children and men (like I have one to be without) and had a GRAND time. Ha. Our night ended kind of badly, but it's ok now. There's talk of another ladies night soon, so maybe another Sun's game? Or maybe just a night out to eat and putt-putt golf. We'll see.

Saturday was just BrightEyes, our 3 monkies, and I. We got the girls down at a decent hour and the two of us hung out on the couch eating italian meatballs and chocolate dipped strawberries, drinking sweet tea with sweet tea flavored vodka (who knew????)

Sunday- Easter was a gentle (read: Boring) day. We didn't do much. Hung out with Gigi and cooked. GOOD GOOD FOOD. Fresh green beans with ham hocks and new potatoes, stewed fresh yellow squash, deviled eggs, and ham. YUM.

This week promises to be just as boring as usual - but hey at least there's no potential for drama!

No point. Or is there?

I had intentions of writing a meaningful post tonight. But the words have gotten lost in my mind somewhere. So you're stuck instead, reading my thoughtless meanderings.

I'm having trouble focusing on much of anything today - I'm a little frustrated with the IRS since no one at their offices seems to be able to answer any of my questions. And if there is an answer, the person I'm talking to can't give it to me, they have to put in a referral to another department and I have to wait on that department. Which could take up to 45 days. Seriously, I don't understand why they're taking so long with my refund. If I'm not going to get any money then I wish that they'd say that and be done with it. I did my taxes properly, and they're not auditing me - they'd have to notify me using the word audit. So now after being told twice that I'd have my money on x date, I still don't have it and the only straight answer I could get from the person I spoke with is that it could take up to 45 days for me to hear something from the people in the "Examinations Department". Whatever.

I'm glad that BrightEyes found me last week on Facebook. It's nice to have a friend other than the Bestie that I've known since high school and has similar experiences. Not only that, she's got kids and is a stay at home mom, so I have some one to hang out with during the day (when I can get motivated to do anything). I'm realizing now that in my rush to get the hell out of Jacksonville - I may have pushed away a lot of friendships that could have been life-long.

It crossed my mind today that I may not be able to date, like ever again. I work such an odd schedule, that any one I dated would have to have a similar schedule - or be absolutely fine with only seeing me when I could get a babysitter every other week (if then). I can't really let Monkey meet the guys I date anymore. She's getting older and will start to take notice of her surroundings and the people in them. Heaven forbid I meet some one and date him for a while and Monkey gets attached to him right before I find a serious flaw in the relationship (because I am GREAT at sabotaging myself in relationships, and because I am also GREAT at picking the WORST guys ever to date. Seriously - they seem to get worse and worse) and have to break up with him. Even if they worked a similar schedule - I still wouldn't be able to see him during the day because I have Monkey all the time and wouldn't be able to find some one to watch her. So - I'm screwed. Good thing I know I don't need a man, and I'm comfortable being single (finally!). I guess one of these days, I'll return to a normal schedule and be able to date, that is - if I want to.

I'm not too sure what the point of this post was - but I'm sure at some point there was one. I'll get back to you and let you know what it is when I find it.

Of Good Friends, Good Drinks, Phones, and Men

I had a pretty good weekend. Really - I did. How was yours?

An old friend from high school found me on Facebook (you know, the account that I vowed to delete because they were banning pictures of mothers breastfeeding) last week, and we decided to hang out Friday evening, kids in tow. She's got two, and if you count her incredibly adorable hubby - three. But we hung out at their house (NICE, by the way) and ate, talked, drank, and let the girls run around and be little kids (Both of her girls and Monkey were FILTHY by the end of the night). It was nice to hang out with other people who have kids. The Bestie and her other half joined us eventually, sans her little one, and more drinking and talking ensued. Great friends were met, good times and drinks were had. It will be happening again. Said friend will here after be known as BrightEyes - because I swear she's got the brightest eyes, which light up even more when she smiles, and she smiles often (read: all the time). BrightEyes and I took the kids to the mall Saturday, and wandered around for a couple hours. We talked and generally enjoyed ourselves.

Also....Sort of, kind of, met a guy, whom we'll call Dennis. I say sort of, kind of, because we met through an application on Facebook. But we've been emailing for a while and Dennis is - for lack of a better word pretty AWESOME. But as with all awesome men, there is a down fall. He's in Turkey (not Turkish, he's there with the Air Force) and then when he PCS's later this year, he'll be going to England. It sucks, but there's not much to be done about it. I can't say I'm all heart-broken over it, because that would be lying, dear Interwebs. But, it would have been nice. He'll be stateside for two weeks in about two months, and we've planned on meeting then. So that's a little exciting, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why I'm putting myself in a situation where I might *possibly* (read: there's a SLIGHT chance, but not a stalker, clingy, psycho chance) get attached. But I also know that just about EVERYTHING in my life happens for a reason. So I know there's a reason for this. I just need to be patient and let God reveal it to me. Long distance relationships are hard enough in the same country. I can't imagine the obstacles for an overseas long distance relationship. Not to say that in some cases that its not worth it, because I'm sure it is. Passports, money, vacation time..... Those are just a few of the things that come to my mind as being obstacles. I suppose though, that at the very least, I've found myself a pretty awesome friend. One that is definitely worth visiting Turkey, or England - should I ever decide to apply for a passport for me and Monkey.

Still haven't heard anything about moving to a day shift - I think that my Boss may just have been humoring me. Making me think that he wanted to give me a day position. I don't know. I suppose we'll see.

Also, I'm still waiting on the IRS to decide to send me my tax refund. I filed January 26th and it is now March 29th. My mom filed last Sunday and got her money back Friday. The bestie filed two weeks after I did and had her money back less than a week later. It's ridiculous. I'm supposed to have it tomorrow this time, so maybe I'll have it and I can start shopping! (Insert maniacal laughter here - I'll have lots of money to spend and not feel guilty about spending it) I'm getting a new phone - and I'm a little giddy about it. I originally wanted an iPhone, but the pricing is just way out of my comfort zone (even with my tax money coming) because I'm not due for an upgrade until November, and the iPhone has a serious flaw, Interwebs. It does not receive picture mail. This, is a problem for me. The only thing that I don't think that the Eternity has is the millions of applications the iPhone does. But that's OK - I'd go broke buying the stupid applications. Besides, the Eternity is still a touch screen, and can access the internet. Which means that I can post and do all of the other random things I do on the internet while I'm away from my computer. YAY. But - I'm seriously excited about the phone. I just need the IRS to send me my money.

The Army

The bestie got an email from a SFC (Sergeant First Class) in the Army today. The email informed her that she could either deploy or go reserves. Technically, she is still a reservist, but she's inactive. Meaning that she's only part of the Army on paper. By going reserves they mean that they want her to report to a unit and drill with them occasionally.

My heart aches for her because I know that one way or another she may have to deploy anyway and leave her 2 year old daughter behind. She's working on a situation that may keep her from having to deploy, yet assigning her to a unit that is reserves, but full time. Meaning that she'll be getting full benefits from the Army (pay, Tricare, and other various benefits). However, the unit is in Alabama, on Redstone Arsenal (Huntsville, Alabama - where we vacationed in January). I have decided that until we have more definite info on the situation, I'm going to work on getting cleared for duty by a civilian doctor. Once I've got that completed, I'm going to get back in the Army. The connection she has on Redstone may be able to help me get an assignment with a unit there too - thus, putting me on Redstone with her. I still haven't heard anything from when I submitted a packet for re-enlisting in October. But I think it's due to the fact that the Army would have to pony up some money to get me cleared for duty. So - if I cross those hurdles and can present them with the paper work I think things may progress a little quicker and more favorably.

Other news - The Monkey is a Social Creature. Be warned - that link goes to a post with some unbearably CUTE pictures.

Terrible Twos - and we haven't even made it to Two.

Why didn't any one tell me that the Terrible Two's starts WAY before the child actually reaches two? This would have been good info to have so that I could have mentally prepared myself.

I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.

NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.

So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.

Precious Monkey Moments.

Moments like this

and this


...make me forget that she's become a very headstrong, independent, and down right stubborn child.

Confession #8 - I can't wait for Summer to be here in all it's glory so that I can put Monkey in too-short toddler shorts and tank tops!

House Warmings, Fake Friends and Dead Beats.

The past weekend was generally ok. Yay for House Warming parties, Hennessy, and Paul Masson! Boo for fake friends, hosts of parties that are never around, and dead-beat dads.

First - I went to a house warming Friday night while the donor's parents had Monkey. Paul Masson is great! I had an awesome time. Played some cards, ate some good food and got a little tipsy. Met some people who posed themselves as friends and then found out the next morning that they were not. The host of said house warming was never present more than 5 minutes at a time and barely even noticed my presence (even though he was supposedly interested in dating me - I'm rolling my eyes here because dude seemed like he had it together and may have been worth my time. He does not, and is not.) I also made a bad decision ( I think the alcohol may or may not have helped me make - leaning more towards may have here) and stopped by the donor's house on my way home to see if I could get him to talk to me. A couple threats (from him) and some shouting (also him) later, no talking happened and I meandered home.

Second. The donor's parents had Monkey Friday night, as previously mentioned. All well and good. I knew that they were going to take her to see some of their family and probably take her to see the donor. After I stopped by his house I knew that they had taken her by there - but was not aware of what had happened during said visit. I went to pick her up and talked to the donor's dad for a little while and found out that they had taken her over there with the intentions of getting him to hang out with her for an hour or so. Fine by me. Well - they got there and he had his other two children, who of course came running out to see Tandy and Papa. They saw the baby, and were fawning over her as they usually do when they get to see her. The donor found out that the baby was in the car and made the girls go inside, and told his parents he was going inside. He indeed went inside and sent his girlfriend out to tell his parents that he did not want to see MY daughter. WTF????? He is truly an ass. I knew that when I stopped by his house that he probably wasn't going to talk to me - and that was a risk that I was willing to take, I just wanted to plead Monkey's case to him once more (I am now OFFICIALLY done trying). Seriously, how can anyone look at a child that they've helped create and NOT claim them or want to be around them? I'm past the stage where it hurt me. It's just not fair that he won't let Monkey's sisters get to know her ( and those little girls are heartbreakingly in love with her) and that he won't even give her the chance at having a relationship with him like the other two do. Amazing that someone who claims he loves his children more than life only takes care of the two children who's mother cheated on him, gave him an STD, stole all his money, and doesn't press him to act like an adult and get a job. Which by the way, ladies and gentleman, he does now have. His girlfriend shared that little tid-bit of info with me when I stopped by - before he started shouting threats and yelling.

Speaking of supporting and taking care of children - I wonder what is taking Child Support so damn LONG????? It's been about 3 weeks since I sent them my second application, and I haven't even so much as gotten a letter letting me know that they've gotten the application or that they're doing anything. It's really starting to get frustrating, because I need that extra help. WIC and my paycheck's cover us - but just barely. And I'm now having to pay for her insurance because according to Medicaid, I make too much for her to qualify for full coverage under Florida Medicaid. Ladies and Gentleman, make no mistake, I make a decent amount hourly - but there's NO WAY that 40 hours a week on my pay is going to cover a monthly premium for the two of us with a regular insurance company.

I can't remember why I even started dating him to begin with now.....

Question....

Is the father of your child (the one you have custody of) really a single parent, if he does no actual parenting???????

A: I think NOT.

Confessions Of a Single Mom

Confession #7

I am scared to death of potty training Monkey. Can I just leaver her in diapers until she's old enough to figure it out on her own?

This sucks, but I wouldn't take it any other way.

I've finally realized that being a single parent truly sucks.

I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.

First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.

Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.

But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.

I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.

So, yes....

This single parenting thing sucks, but.....

I wouldn't take it any other way.

And now Ladies and Gentleman.....

for your viewing pleasure.....

Randomocity!

For real - I have a few things I need to update on - so.......

First - I put up a poll on the other blog because I'm changing the babys nick name for blog purposes. Go vote. Please and thank you.

Second - We went to the pediatrician today - Baby Crazy does NOT have diabetes or hypo/hyperglycemia. Good. She still is not pooping on her own and so we're going to keep her on milk of magnesia. Bad. I hate giving her a laxative every day. She got a couple shots she was due for and was generally unhappy about them. But she finally weighs 20lbs. So she gained like a pound and some thing since November.

Third - I finally figured out the situation with the boyfriend. I decided that it wasn't worth it for either of us to stay in the relationship. I'm not happy and its not fair to him to be in a relationship with some one who doesn't love him the way he should be. So - I called it quits today. He took it pretty hard and made me feel pretty bad, but for the first time, I was firm and stood my ground instead of giving in. (Hells yea for me!!!)

Lastly - Can you people comment??? I know you're reading. Its not that hard - I even opened up the comments so that people can comment anonymously. Jeez. If you had a blog I'd leave you some love too.

Anyway - have a good night and may your day tomorrow be a good one!!!

Quote of the day: Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.

1001 Rules

I found this the other day - and thought it was pretty cool..... I may have to copy.....

A guy wrote 1001 Rules for his Unborn son. I liked it. Check it out Here.

Single Parenthood

Today is just one of those days for me - I'm feeling all crappy and down.

I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend - I'm a single parent and it's just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out - but... well, I don't know how to explain it, but he's not her dad and I don't rely on him for much of anything.

While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone - the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn't have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn't even realize that it wasn't the "norm" to have only one parent. When she was born - we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.

Now - I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can't imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do - the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything - and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I'm still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.

I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well - I still can't afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don't want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what's going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don't get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend - but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.

I'm sure this post seems random - but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now.....
One of Baby Crazy's one year pics - my fav. one.

Other things....

Christmas and Christmas Eve pics found.....

HERE!

Cuteness Over-load.

Apparently - I'm still corny in love with my kid. Ok - so I am. But so what???? She is awesomeness!

Dreams.

I had the most *HORRIBLE* dream last night.... I actually woke up crying.

I dreamed that I had dropped the little one off at my mothers house for the weekend and gone shopping for groceries and such. I got a call from the Donor - he wanted to know if he could go by my moms house and see the baby. I said he could and called my mom to let her know he'd be coming by. Somehow - when he got there he convinced her that I said he could take the baby for a while. Mom packed him a bag for the baby and he left with my child. Can you see where this is going??? Thats right, he STOLE MY BABY!

I call my mom a couple hours later and I'm asking her where the baby is, and she tells me the baby is with the Donor. I FLIPPED. I went to his house to get my baby and his house is EMPTY. No cars, no shoes, no blinds - I look through the windows and it looks like the house is completely devoid of any creature comforts. I race over to his parents house and they tell me that he's MOVED to friggen Hilliard. EXCUSE ME? HILLIARD? WITH MY CHILD??? Call mom and tell her and she starts crying uncontrollably - I ask Dad if we can go to Hilliard to get my baby and he says he'll have to "think about it, because after all, Hilliard is pretty far" (Ladies and Gentleman - for the record - Guid LOVES the baby and I think if anything were to happen he would go to the ends of the earth for her and, Hilliard is about 45 min away).

I woke up at this point - crying. I couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour.

So what in the world does that mean????? Must look it up.....

What was the last horrible dream you had??? Any ideas about what it meant???

Vaccinations.....

Today - I came across a post about vaccinating children on another blog I follow.

I am seriously bothered by the people that are NOT vaccinating their children. First - let me say this - it's obviously their choice. If they don't want to vaccinate their kids, fine - Just go live on an island with all the other people not vaccinating their kids.

Seriously, my kid is going to be in school sitting right next to Little Susie/Johnny Who who's parents didn't get them vaccinated against some seriously BAD diseases. This means the disease could spread rampantly again.

I'm all for delaying vax's - but just skipping them altogether????

What do you think about it????