Instead of being incredibly bitter about the situation that Monkey's biological has put us in by deciding to be an absent parent - I've decided to see the positive in the situation.
I don't have to co-parent with anyone. All decisions regarding raising Monkey are made by me - and only me. I get to decide when she potty trains. I get to decide when she does everything. I don't have to check with another parent about anything.
I get to take all the credit when she does anything amazing (the flip side to this situation is anything that she does wrong is also a reflection on me - but oh well.) I get to take credit for the fact that she is an incredibly HAPPY little girl. And incredibly smart.
I'm the person she cries for when she's hurt, unhappy, and all of the various other things that children need their parents for. It still melts my heart every time she says "Mamao" (because my child is strange, and calls me Mamao, instead of mama or mommy).
I'll be the person thats there for her through everything. And I hope that later in life that I'll be the person that she comes to when she wants to talk about things. I want to be her mom and her confidant. Much like my mom has become my friend.
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
the post in which I talk about everything, and nothing.
Above video was taken about a month ago - I was in the passenger seat while the Ex was driving and turned around to that. It was hilarious. Luckily for me - my cell phone never leaves my hand (except for when I'm posting here, dear World Wide InterWebz!) so I recorded it, and am posting it for your viewing pleasure. (I've also just figured out how to get the videos from my phone to the computer! Don't laugh!)
I have an ultrasound in the morning because my doctor and I are concerned that I could possibly have ovarian cysts. I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing, but I'm still going to hope for the best. Also have an appointment on Friday for a Well Woman visit. Yay! NOT. But whatever.
Still no definite word yet on whether or not the Bestie will have to go Reserves - but she's considering making the transition to AGR (Active Guard Reserves) anyway. Apparently there's a slot on Redstone that is open and her contact at Redstone is trying to hook it up for her. I need to get on the ball and get cleared for duty. Not to mention I need to lose like 4% body fat, and get back in shape. Ok - so I have a lot to do. I just need to do it now.
5 days smoke free and I smell great - I feel like a crazy woman, but I smell good, and that's all that matters, Right?
I told you that this was the post in which I talk about everything and nothing. Didn't I?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Terrible Twos - and we haven't even made it to Two.
Why didn't any one tell me that the Terrible Two's starts WAY before the child actually reaches two? This would have been good info to have so that I could have mentally prepared myself.
I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.
NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.
So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.
I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.
NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.
So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.
House Warmings, Fake Friends and Dead Beats.
The past weekend was generally ok. Yay for House Warming parties, Hennessy, and Paul Masson! Boo for fake friends, hosts of parties that are never around, and dead-beat dads.
First - I went to a house warming Friday night while the donor's parents had Monkey. Paul Masson is great! I had an awesome time. Played some cards, ate some good food and got a little tipsy. Met some people who posed themselves as friends and then found out the next morning that they were not. The host of said house warming was never present more than 5 minutes at a time and barely even noticed my presence (even though he was supposedly interested in dating me - I'm rolling my eyes here because dude seemed like he had it together and may have been worth my time. He does not, and is not.) I also made a bad decision ( I think the alcohol may or may not have helped me make - leaning more towards may have here) and stopped by the donor's house on my way home to see if I could get him to talk to me. A couple threats (from him) and some shouting (also him) later, no talking happened and I meandered home.
Second. The donor's parents had Monkey Friday night, as previously mentioned. All well and good. I knew that they were going to take her to see some of their family and probably take her to see the donor. After I stopped by his house I knew that they had taken her by there - but was not aware of what had happened during said visit. I went to pick her up and talked to the donor's dad for a little while and found out that they had taken her over there with the intentions of getting him to hang out with her for an hour or so. Fine by me. Well - they got there and he had his other two children, who of course came running out to see Tandy and Papa. They saw the baby, and were fawning over her as they usually do when they get to see her. The donor found out that the baby was in the car and made the girls go inside, and told his parents he was going inside. He indeed went inside and sent his girlfriend out to tell his parents that he did not want to see MY daughter. WTF????? He is truly an ass. I knew that when I stopped by his house that he probably wasn't going to talk to me - and that was a risk that I was willing to take, I just wanted to plead Monkey's case to him once more (I am now OFFICIALLY done trying). Seriously, how can anyone look at a child that they've helped create and NOT claim them or want to be around them? I'm past the stage where it hurt me. It's just not fair that he won't let Monkey's sisters get to know her ( and those little girls are heartbreakingly in love with her) and that he won't even give her the chance at having a relationship with him like the other two do. Amazing that someone who claims he loves his children more than life only takes care of the two children who's mother cheated on him, gave him an STD, stole all his money, and doesn't press him to act like an adult and get a job. Which by the way, ladies and gentleman, he does now have. His girlfriend shared that little tid-bit of info with me when I stopped by - before he started shouting threats and yelling.
Speaking of supporting and taking care of children - I wonder what is taking Child Support so damn LONG????? It's been about 3 weeks since I sent them my second application, and I haven't even so much as gotten a letter letting me know that they've gotten the application or that they're doing anything. It's really starting to get frustrating, because I need that extra help. WIC and my paycheck's cover us - but just barely. And I'm now having to pay for her insurance because according to Medicaid, I make too much for her to qualify for full coverage under Florida Medicaid. Ladies and Gentleman, make no mistake, I make a decent amount hourly - but there's NO WAY that 40 hours a week on my pay is going to cover a monthly premium for the two of us with a regular insurance company.
I can't remember why I even started dating him to begin with now.....
First - I went to a house warming Friday night while the donor's parents had Monkey. Paul Masson is great! I had an awesome time. Played some cards, ate some good food and got a little tipsy. Met some people who posed themselves as friends and then found out the next morning that they were not. The host of said house warming was never present more than 5 minutes at a time and barely even noticed my presence (even though he was supposedly interested in dating me - I'm rolling my eyes here because dude seemed like he had it together and may have been worth my time. He does not, and is not.) I also made a bad decision ( I think the alcohol may or may not have helped me make - leaning more towards may have here) and stopped by the donor's house on my way home to see if I could get him to talk to me. A couple threats (from him) and some shouting (also him) later, no talking happened and I meandered home.
Second. The donor's parents had Monkey Friday night, as previously mentioned. All well and good. I knew that they were going to take her to see some of their family and probably take her to see the donor. After I stopped by his house I knew that they had taken her by there - but was not aware of what had happened during said visit. I went to pick her up and talked to the donor's dad for a little while and found out that they had taken her over there with the intentions of getting him to hang out with her for an hour or so. Fine by me. Well - they got there and he had his other two children, who of course came running out to see Tandy and Papa. They saw the baby, and were fawning over her as they usually do when they get to see her. The donor found out that the baby was in the car and made the girls go inside, and told his parents he was going inside. He indeed went inside and sent his girlfriend out to tell his parents that he did not want to see MY daughter. WTF????? He is truly an ass. I knew that when I stopped by his house that he probably wasn't going to talk to me - and that was a risk that I was willing to take, I just wanted to plead Monkey's case to him once more (I am now OFFICIALLY done trying). Seriously, how can anyone look at a child that they've helped create and NOT claim them or want to be around them? I'm past the stage where it hurt me. It's just not fair that he won't let Monkey's sisters get to know her ( and those little girls are heartbreakingly in love with her) and that he won't even give her the chance at having a relationship with him like the other two do. Amazing that someone who claims he loves his children more than life only takes care of the two children who's mother cheated on him, gave him an STD, stole all his money, and doesn't press him to act like an adult and get a job. Which by the way, ladies and gentleman, he does now have. His girlfriend shared that little tid-bit of info with me when I stopped by - before he started shouting threats and yelling.
Speaking of supporting and taking care of children - I wonder what is taking Child Support so damn LONG????? It's been about 3 weeks since I sent them my second application, and I haven't even so much as gotten a letter letting me know that they've gotten the application or that they're doing anything. It's really starting to get frustrating, because I need that extra help. WIC and my paycheck's cover us - but just barely. And I'm now having to pay for her insurance because according to Medicaid, I make too much for her to qualify for full coverage under Florida Medicaid. Ladies and Gentleman, make no mistake, I make a decent amount hourly - but there's NO WAY that 40 hours a week on my pay is going to cover a monthly premium for the two of us with a regular insurance company.
I can't remember why I even started dating him to begin with now.....
Monday, March 2, 2009
Question....
Is the father of your child (the one you have custody of) really a single parent, if he does no actual parenting???????
A: I think NOT.
A: I think NOT.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Confessions Of a Single Mom
Confession #7
I am scared to death of potty training Monkey. Can I just leaver her in diapers until she's old enough to figure it out on her own?
I am scared to death of potty training Monkey. Can I just leaver her in diapers until she's old enough to figure it out on her own?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Confessions of a Single Mom
I must confess some things, because if I don't my head will get all clogged up with the things that I can never say out loud.
First - I love Monkey, and wouldn't give her up to save my life, but God help me. She is DRIVING ME INSANE. She's going through her Terrible 2's and hasn't even made it to TWO. She may not make it either...... (I joke, I kid).
Second - Some days I absolutely love the fact that I'm a single parent - I don't have to compromise on my parenting with anyone. She'll be raised the way *I* want her to be raised.
Third - I've let her go 2 or 3 days with out bathing her. She wasn't really dirty, and I was just flat tired.
Fourth - I may have ruined her. She spends ALL day with me, and her last 2 waking hours are spent with my parents. How am I ever going to get her to go to daycare?
Fifth - I buy her WAY too much stuff. Seriously, I still buy her something every time I go to the store, be it clothes, toys, or some special snack.
Sixth - I put her up for sale on my other blog (not for real, so you can stop freaking out now, and you can hang up the phone with the children's services people). Go see.
Um......I don't see this list ending any time soon, so I'll stop now. To be continued later.....
First - I love Monkey, and wouldn't give her up to save my life, but God help me. She is DRIVING ME INSANE. She's going through her Terrible 2's and hasn't even made it to TWO. She may not make it either...... (I joke, I kid).
Second - Some days I absolutely love the fact that I'm a single parent - I don't have to compromise on my parenting with anyone. She'll be raised the way *I* want her to be raised.
Third - I've let her go 2 or 3 days with out bathing her. She wasn't really dirty, and I was just flat tired.
Fourth - I may have ruined her. She spends ALL day with me, and her last 2 waking hours are spent with my parents. How am I ever going to get her to go to daycare?
Fifth - I buy her WAY too much stuff. Seriously, I still buy her something every time I go to the store, be it clothes, toys, or some special snack.
Sixth - I put her up for sale on my other blog (not for real, so you can stop freaking out now, and you can hang up the phone with the children's services people). Go see.
Um......I don't see this list ending any time soon, so I'll stop now. To be continued later.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
That Man.
The donor. Monkey's biological father.
I am currently at my wit's end about him. He provides no type of support for her, in fact wants nothing to do with her. When I refused to have the abortion, he said that it would be a long, hard road for me - but he would help out where he could. We agreed then that I would not put him on child support so long as he spent time with her and provided things she needed. This worked out well - for about 2 months. Monkey is now 15 months old and since her birth he has given me maybe $200 for her care. He did buy $20 worth of baby food and 2 jumbo diapers.... when she was about 4 months old (I have since applied for child support - but the state is taking FOREVER). He was in jail when she was born, and the Department of Vital statistics rep said that I could not even so much as list him on her birth certificate with out him being present. He still has not changed that. I gave her my last name because it seemed that he had abandoned us anyway. After he got out of jail, he was adamant that I change her last name to his and I made it clear that he would need to do so - I would not. I wanted him to prove his worth of her.
He has two other amazing daughters who he sees almost daily. He is a wonderful father to them, and loves them both dearly. Here, Ladies and Gentleman, is my problem. Those girls get to know their father, get to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. Why can't my daughter have the same?
Those first couple months of her life I would call him daily and take her to see him. I always said to him, I'll bring her to you and pick her up, just let me know when you want her. I got really busy for a week, right after Monkey turned 3months old, I was looking for a job and had a few interviews lined up. After that week was over, I realized that he had not called me once to see her. So - instead of calling him, I decided to wait another week to see if he would call. The week passed and he didn't call. I realized then, that I was pushing her on him. I had decided before she was born that I would not chase behind him and make him do right by her, and meant it. So I called him and explained that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to make an effort. He needed to call me and let me know when he wanted to see her. My offer still stood, I'd take her to him and pick her up. All he needed to do was let me know when he wanted to see her. A month went by and besides me calling him to ask for diapers, baby food, or money for day care - we didn't hear from him. Another month went by - and I stopped calling. He wasn't calling anyway. I was supporting her on my own and didn't need to beg him for what little money he could give me anyway. We argued a few times - about money, about him not spending time with her, about the injustice of it all. Halloween came and he took his other two daughters trick or treating in our parent's neighborhood. Ladies and Gentleman, he walked right by me (I had already taken Monkey home and put her to bed) and didn't even so much as blink. Nothing. Not "How was her first Halloween?" "Where is Monkey?" "Kiss Monkey for me." NADA.
Her 1st birthday came around and I called to let him know about the plans - to invite him. He said he wouldn't be coming. He didn't want to deal with my family. We argued again. This time because I wanted to make it clear to him that this was about our daughter, not him, not me, not either of our families. He obviously didn't go for it because he didn't show up. His parents and sisters did - they even brought his other two children and his girlfriend's son (which I am a little upset about - but I digress...) A couple days later I called him again - I was livid. He had missed her birthday, all her 1st year milestones, and still hadn't even called to tell her Happy Birthday. An argument ensued - and he said he didn't want to talk to me.
Three months later I've spoken to him twice and he wont budge. I'm torn, because I feel I've done all I can with out losing my sanity, but I feel like I should do more. Monkey is eventually going to ask questions and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be a decent person and not bash him. I don't think its fair that the other two children get to know him and have a relationship with him, but my daughter does not. She wouldn't know him from Adam if she saw him. What do I do? Do I keep trying to contact him for my daughters sake? Or do I leave it alone and hope like hell she doesn't ask questions one day?
Help me out.... I'm lost....
I am currently at my wit's end about him. He provides no type of support for her, in fact wants nothing to do with her. When I refused to have the abortion, he said that it would be a long, hard road for me - but he would help out where he could. We agreed then that I would not put him on child support so long as he spent time with her and provided things she needed. This worked out well - for about 2 months. Monkey is now 15 months old and since her birth he has given me maybe $200 for her care. He did buy $20 worth of baby food and 2 jumbo diapers.... when she was about 4 months old (I have since applied for child support - but the state is taking FOREVER). He was in jail when she was born, and the Department of Vital statistics rep said that I could not even so much as list him on her birth certificate with out him being present. He still has not changed that. I gave her my last name because it seemed that he had abandoned us anyway. After he got out of jail, he was adamant that I change her last name to his and I made it clear that he would need to do so - I would not. I wanted him to prove his worth of her.
He has two other amazing daughters who he sees almost daily. He is a wonderful father to them, and loves them both dearly. Here, Ladies and Gentleman, is my problem. Those girls get to know their father, get to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. Why can't my daughter have the same?
Those first couple months of her life I would call him daily and take her to see him. I always said to him, I'll bring her to you and pick her up, just let me know when you want her. I got really busy for a week, right after Monkey turned 3months old, I was looking for a job and had a few interviews lined up. After that week was over, I realized that he had not called me once to see her. So - instead of calling him, I decided to wait another week to see if he would call. The week passed and he didn't call. I realized then, that I was pushing her on him. I had decided before she was born that I would not chase behind him and make him do right by her, and meant it. So I called him and explained that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to make an effort. He needed to call me and let me know when he wanted to see her. My offer still stood, I'd take her to him and pick her up. All he needed to do was let me know when he wanted to see her. A month went by and besides me calling him to ask for diapers, baby food, or money for day care - we didn't hear from him. Another month went by - and I stopped calling. He wasn't calling anyway. I was supporting her on my own and didn't need to beg him for what little money he could give me anyway. We argued a few times - about money, about him not spending time with her, about the injustice of it all. Halloween came and he took his other two daughters trick or treating in our parent's neighborhood. Ladies and Gentleman, he walked right by me (I had already taken Monkey home and put her to bed) and didn't even so much as blink. Nothing. Not "How was her first Halloween?" "Where is Monkey?" "Kiss Monkey for me." NADA.
Her 1st birthday came around and I called to let him know about the plans - to invite him. He said he wouldn't be coming. He didn't want to deal with my family. We argued again. This time because I wanted to make it clear to him that this was about our daughter, not him, not me, not either of our families. He obviously didn't go for it because he didn't show up. His parents and sisters did - they even brought his other two children and his girlfriend's son (which I am a little upset about - but I digress...) A couple days later I called him again - I was livid. He had missed her birthday, all her 1st year milestones, and still hadn't even called to tell her Happy Birthday. An argument ensued - and he said he didn't want to talk to me.
Three months later I've spoken to him twice and he wont budge. I'm torn, because I feel I've done all I can with out losing my sanity, but I feel like I should do more. Monkey is eventually going to ask questions and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be a decent person and not bash him. I don't think its fair that the other two children get to know him and have a relationship with him, but my daughter does not. She wouldn't know him from Adam if she saw him. What do I do? Do I keep trying to contact him for my daughters sake? Or do I leave it alone and hope like hell she doesn't ask questions one day?
Help me out.... I'm lost....
Friday, February 13, 2009
This sucks, but I wouldn't take it any other way.
I've finally realized that being a single parent truly sucks.
I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.
First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.
Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.
But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.
I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.
So, yes....
This single parenting thing sucks, but.....
I wouldn't take it any other way.
I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.
First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.
Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.
But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.
I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.
So, yes....
This single parenting thing sucks, but.....
I wouldn't take it any other way.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
He Left.
He left today.
By he - I mean Boyfriend Crazy, who is now the Ex. I took him to his sisters' house and dropped him off. I expected an awkward good-bye but thats not what I got. Instead he said "See ya" turned around and went in the house. It was strange.
I got home and he called me. Called to tell me that while I had been in the shower this morning he had gone through my phone and that he was sorry for having done it. Not sure what he was looking for, but I hope he found what ever it was. He said we could still be friends, but that he was hurt. It was weird being at home with out him. The house was quiet. I know its because he became part of our daily routine and now he's missing from it, but it still feels weird.
Here's the deal. I know I hurt him, but I did NOT do so intentionally. I feel horrible. I said "forever" and the rest of my life at the beginning. I meant it then. But I never foresaw falling out of love. While I do love him, I'm no longer in love with him.
Now I'm wondering is there really a "forever" with some one? And if there is, who is that some one? Have I already found him and discarded him? When does my forever start?
So, now its back to the daily grind sans 1. Just me and the little one.
By he - I mean Boyfriend Crazy, who is now the Ex. I took him to his sisters' house and dropped him off. I expected an awkward good-bye but thats not what I got. Instead he said "See ya" turned around and went in the house. It was strange.
I got home and he called me. Called to tell me that while I had been in the shower this morning he had gone through my phone and that he was sorry for having done it. Not sure what he was looking for, but I hope he found what ever it was. He said we could still be friends, but that he was hurt. It was weird being at home with out him. The house was quiet. I know its because he became part of our daily routine and now he's missing from it, but it still feels weird.
Here's the deal. I know I hurt him, but I did NOT do so intentionally. I feel horrible. I said "forever" and the rest of my life at the beginning. I meant it then. But I never foresaw falling out of love. While I do love him, I'm no longer in love with him.
Now I'm wondering is there really a "forever" with some one? And if there is, who is that some one? Have I already found him and discarded him? When does my forever start?
So, now its back to the daily grind sans 1. Just me and the little one.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
1001 Rules
I found this the other day - and thought it was pretty cool..... I may have to copy.....
A guy wrote 1001 Rules for his Unborn son. I liked it. Check it out Here.
A guy wrote 1001 Rules for his Unborn son. I liked it. Check it out Here.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Single Parenthood
Today is just one of those days for me - I'm feeling all crappy and down.
I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend - I'm a single parent and it's just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out - but... well, I don't know how to explain it, but he's not her dad and I don't rely on him for much of anything.
While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone - the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn't have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn't even realize that it wasn't the "norm" to have only one parent. When she was born - we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.
Now - I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can't imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do - the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything - and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I'm still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.
I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well - I still can't afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don't want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what's going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don't get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend - but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.
I'm sure this post seems random - but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now.....
One of Baby Crazy's one year pics - my fav. one.
I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend - I'm a single parent and it's just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out - but... well, I don't know how to explain it, but he's not her dad and I don't rely on him for much of anything.
While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone - the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn't have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn't even realize that it wasn't the "norm" to have only one parent. When she was born - we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.
Now - I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can't imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do - the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything - and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I'm still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.
I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well - I still can't afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don't want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what's going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don't get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend - but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.
I'm sure this post seems random - but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now.....
One of Baby Crazy's one year pics - my fav. one.
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