Over the Loneliness

I thought I was over being lonely. Thought I was over needing to be in a relationship. Over needing to be some one's other half. Not so much, apparently.

I lie awake in my bed when I go home from work and miss some one I've never met because I hate to sleep alone, and Mr. Right hasn't quite shown up on his white horse yet (Where the hell is he, anyway? He's taking forever to show up!). I could be with someone - and could have a superficially happy relationship - which would provide the tie to some one that I want. But I'm so tired of only *looking* happy.

I know before I can have a happy, healthy relationship I need to be okay with being alone first - but I've NEVER liked to be alone, and when I'm in a good relationship, I'm at my happiest. I don't want to settle for just anyone - and I'm tired of the wrong guys. I've been hurt to the core one time too many - and honestly I don't want to go through it again. I don't want to open myself up and give all of me (Well, what I haven't already given to the Monkey) to another man who could screw me over. I know that in order to have great love - great risk is involved. So my problem now is that I'm lonely, but I don't want just any one - I want some one that I've never met. My Mr. Right. My Superman. Because he won't hurt me. He will understand and accept all my silly little flaws, pet peeves and nuances.

I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. Damn it.

Who Needs Sleep Anyway?

Last Friday, I got a call from the HR lady informing me that they were getting ready to hire for our busy season - day shift positions, and that she'd like to offer me one. I accepted then and there - excited that I FINALLY was going to move to better hours.

Then, I spent all weekend thinking out the logistics of it. The position offered to me was one I've already conqured with this company. I didn't really enjoy it. When I moved to the night shift, I truly began to enjoy the work I do, and then began to truly love the company I work for. I also realized that if I move to a day position that I'd be sacrificing the amazing amount of time I get to spend with Monkey (not to mention $200 every two weeks to the baby sitter). The more I thought about it, the worse the idea sounded. I'm not sure why I didn't think it through all the way, but I guess I was just stressed out with the lack of sleep and the lack of human (adult) interaction. So, Monday morning I called the HR lady back and told her that while I greatly appreciated the offer, I'd rather work crappy hours and love what I do than work better hours and hate my job. She sounded relieved that she wouldn't have to find some one to cover my shift.

More and more, as a single mom I'm finding out that there's a lot that I have to sacrifice in order to make life better for Monkey. But I'm also finding out that I don't even care that I'm sacrificing sleep and my social life (among other things, like dating).

No point. Or is there?

I had intentions of writing a meaningful post tonight. But the words have gotten lost in my mind somewhere. So you're stuck instead, reading my thoughtless meanderings.

I'm having trouble focusing on much of anything today - I'm a little frustrated with the IRS since no one at their offices seems to be able to answer any of my questions. And if there is an answer, the person I'm talking to can't give it to me, they have to put in a referral to another department and I have to wait on that department. Which could take up to 45 days. Seriously, I don't understand why they're taking so long with my refund. If I'm not going to get any money then I wish that they'd say that and be done with it. I did my taxes properly, and they're not auditing me - they'd have to notify me using the word audit. So now after being told twice that I'd have my money on x date, I still don't have it and the only straight answer I could get from the person I spoke with is that it could take up to 45 days for me to hear something from the people in the "Examinations Department". Whatever.

I'm glad that BrightEyes found me last week on Facebook. It's nice to have a friend other than the Bestie that I've known since high school and has similar experiences. Not only that, she's got kids and is a stay at home mom, so I have some one to hang out with during the day (when I can get motivated to do anything). I'm realizing now that in my rush to get the hell out of Jacksonville - I may have pushed away a lot of friendships that could have been life-long.

It crossed my mind today that I may not be able to date, like ever again. I work such an odd schedule, that any one I dated would have to have a similar schedule - or be absolutely fine with only seeing me when I could get a babysitter every other week (if then). I can't really let Monkey meet the guys I date anymore. She's getting older and will start to take notice of her surroundings and the people in them. Heaven forbid I meet some one and date him for a while and Monkey gets attached to him right before I find a serious flaw in the relationship (because I am GREAT at sabotaging myself in relationships, and because I am also GREAT at picking the WORST guys ever to date. Seriously - they seem to get worse and worse) and have to break up with him. Even if they worked a similar schedule - I still wouldn't be able to see him during the day because I have Monkey all the time and wouldn't be able to find some one to watch her. So - I'm screwed. Good thing I know I don't need a man, and I'm comfortable being single (finally!). I guess one of these days, I'll return to a normal schedule and be able to date, that is - if I want to.

I'm not too sure what the point of this post was - but I'm sure at some point there was one. I'll get back to you and let you know what it is when I find it.

Closing Chapters

Dear "King",

Writing you letters has always been odd for me, so I'm going to skip the whole intro paragraph and just jump into why I'm writing you. I've decided that there are some chapters in my life that I need to close in order to be able to move on and be a happy person. You, incidentally, happen to be one of those chapters.
You keep me wrapped up in you with the occasional phone calls, the random text messages and the even fewer and farther between MySpace messages. The thing is, I know that you're not really committed to me. You never were. It's taken me almost 4 years to realize it. I think you just enjoy knowing that you've got me all wrapped up in you and that I'd do almost anything for you. But lately, I'm starting to realize that your love was superficial and only something you showed when we were alone. Otherwise, the only time you even acted like we were in a committed relationship was to show your boys that you could tell me to jump and I'd ask how high. I was committed 110% - everything I had I gave.
I need you to leave me alone - stop calling, texting, and stop sending me messages on MySpace. I can't move on if you keep exerting your presence. I need to move on so that I can be happy. So that some one who deserves my love can have it. So that some one can love me, too. You taught me a lot, but - the best thing you ever taught me was to value love.
Please, just stay away. Find some one else to play your games with. Or maybe, you could grow up. But I'll miss you, and it will hurt for a little while, but I need to move on.

-Belle

Precious Monkey Moments.

Moments like this

and this


...make me forget that she's become a very headstrong, independent, and down right stubborn child.

Confession #8 - I can't wait for Summer to be here in all it's glory so that I can put Monkey in too-short toddler shorts and tank tops!

A nice Indian boy.

Friday afternoon, Monkey and I paid a visit to my Trinidadian Mother and Grandmother. It was overall a good visit - but I must share part of the visit with you. I'm sincerely amazed with myself for bringing one of our subjects of discussion up - and then whole-heartedly deciding to submit my self to said topic.

Upon a conversation with a sweet Guyanese girl I know - I found out that since her mother passed, her father has been actively trying to find a nice Indian boy for her to marry. How you ask? Well, he put her on an Indian matrimonial website. She suggested that I submit myself to my elders and let them to the same for me so I could be "tortured" as she was. It's sort of a modern twist on arranged marriage. One of the prospective bride/grooms elders puts a picture and short bio on the site and then lists themselves as the contact. The elders contact each other and set up a meeting so that the families can meet, and the two young people can meet, and get a general feel for each other. From there, the prospective bride and grooms families either continue deliberations or don't. You get the general idea, yes? Ok. Well, I brought this up to my Trini mother, and then half-jokingly, half-seriously suggested that she do the same for me. Then a conversation ensued regarding the necessary qualities that the nice indian boy should have. Here is our list as it stands.

Nice Indian boy qualities:
1. He and his family must be Christian. I will not become Hindu, and will not marry a Hindu man because if we have children, they will not be raised as Hindus.
2. He must know that I have a child and that she is my WORLD. He must agree to treat her as his own, because if he can not love her, I can not love him.
3. He must be between 25 and 30. This is the perfect age range for me, because by this age surely the prospective groom has figured out what he wants in life and is ready to have a partner to share these things with. Over 30, the age difference is too much.
4. He must be American born or have come to the states at a young age. This way, he is used to the American way of thinking and American ways of life. In this way, he will have his parents morals, but not necessarily their views on all things.
5. He must be tolerant of tattoos. I have 6 and am NOT willing to have them lasered off my body.
6. He should be Trinidadian. This is my Trinidadian grandmother's rule. Not sure why, but for now, it sounds fine.
7. His parents must live in the states. Trinidad and Guyana are expensive to travel to and I can not afford to go back and forth several times a year.
8. He must have a big family and be very family oriented. The big family is optional, but he must be family oriented. My family is large and I love all of them dearly. I would like the same qualities in my husband-to-be.

There may have been other requirements, but I can't remember them. (Ma, you're welcome to help me out in remembering here.....)

In this way, I'll find a husband whom my family likes, and will be a nice boy. Besides, I won't have to do much of the work at all. Ma has agreed to be the contact, and will put me on the site. When ever she should find the time.

Can you think of any qualities that my nice Indian boy should have??? What do you think about this??? Comment or email me.

Happy Sunday Loves!

St. Valentine's Day

As I will be celebrating Valentine's alone (with the exception of Monkey, she is my little Valentine, all the love I could ever need!) I thought a history of Valentine's day would be in order.

See who St. Valentine was, and some of the history of the day here, at History.com.

What are your plans??? Who are you sharing the day with???

Monkey and I will spend the day buying stuff.

He Left.

He left today.

By he - I mean Boyfriend Crazy, who is now the Ex. I took him to his sisters' house and dropped him off. I expected an awkward good-bye but thats not what I got. Instead he said "See ya" turned around and went in the house. It was strange.

I got home and he called me. Called to tell me that while I had been in the shower this morning he had gone through my phone and that he was sorry for having done it. Not sure what he was looking for, but I hope he found what ever it was. He said we could still be friends, but that he was hurt. It was weird being at home with out him. The house was quiet. I know its because he became part of our daily routine and now he's missing from it, but it still feels weird.

Here's the deal. I know I hurt him, but I did NOT do so intentionally. I feel horrible. I said "forever" and the rest of my life at the beginning. I meant it then. But I never foresaw falling out of love. While I do love him, I'm no longer in love with him.

Now I'm wondering is there really a "forever" with some one? And if there is, who is that some one? Have I already found him and discarded him? When does my forever start?

So, now its back to the daily grind sans 1. Just me and the little one.

Randomocity!

For real - I have a few things I need to update on - so.......

First - I put up a poll on the other blog because I'm changing the babys nick name for blog purposes. Go vote. Please and thank you.

Second - We went to the pediatrician today - Baby Crazy does NOT have diabetes or hypo/hyperglycemia. Good. She still is not pooping on her own and so we're going to keep her on milk of magnesia. Bad. I hate giving her a laxative every day. She got a couple shots she was due for and was generally unhappy about them. But she finally weighs 20lbs. So she gained like a pound and some thing since November.

Third - I finally figured out the situation with the boyfriend. I decided that it wasn't worth it for either of us to stay in the relationship. I'm not happy and its not fair to him to be in a relationship with some one who doesn't love him the way he should be. So - I called it quits today. He took it pretty hard and made me feel pretty bad, but for the first time, I was firm and stood my ground instead of giving in. (Hells yea for me!!!)

Lastly - Can you people comment??? I know you're reading. Its not that hard - I even opened up the comments so that people can comment anonymously. Jeez. If you had a blog I'd leave you some love too.

Anyway - have a good night and may your day tomorrow be a good one!!!

Quote of the day: Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.

Guidance???

I'm in a situation that I don't know how to handle - and I need to vent....

So - when I got with my current man - I was CONVINCED that he was my last, my one, my only. But.... I guess I wanted what that represented so badly I made myself believe that there was something there that isn't. I did honestly feel that heart-crushing love for two months and loved every-minute of it. But now I don't feel it. I find it harder every day to find some level to connect with him on. We are two VERY different people. I don't love him the way I should love some one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't really know what I should do either. I know he loves me - and I know that breaking up would hurt him badly, but I can't see staying with him and not being happy. I feel repressed.

Intellectually he is not my equal and it makes it really hard to have conversations about anything other than domestic things. That may sound horrible, but it's the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. I love to read and he thinks its stupid - which is also a problem, reading is where knowledge comes from.

He's great with the baby - but he gets frustrated too easily and if some thing EVER happened to the little person.... well....let's just not go there.

I have love for him, but I'm not in love with him. I could very well see myself being friends with him, but not his wife.

I don't know what to do - I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be unhappy.....

Other things....

Christmas and Christmas Eve pics found.....

HERE!

Cuteness Over-load.

Apparently - I'm still corny in love with my kid. Ok - so I am. But so what???? She is awesomeness!