Why I'm happy to be a Single Mother

Instead of being incredibly bitter about the situation that Monkey's biological has put us in by deciding to be an absent parent - I've decided to see the positive in the situation.

I don't have to co-parent with anyone. All decisions regarding raising Monkey are made by me - and only me. I get to decide when she potty trains. I get to decide when she does everything. I don't have to check with another parent about anything.

I get to take all the credit when she does anything amazing (the flip side to this situation is anything that she does wrong is also a reflection on me - but oh well.) I get to take credit for the fact that she is an incredibly HAPPY little girl. And incredibly smart.

I'm the person she cries for when she's hurt, unhappy, and all of the various other things that children need their parents for. It still melts my heart every time she says "Mamao" (because my child is strange, and calls me Mamao, instead of mama or mommy).

I'll be the person thats there for her through everything. And I hope that later in life that I'll be the person that she comes to when she wants to talk about things. I want to be her mom and her confidant. Much like my mom has become my friend.

2 Week Recap

Because the last two weeks I haven't posted.

The Monkey and I spent pretty much all last week sick. Yuck. Luckily, we're over it now.

First - Friday, April 3d was spent at BrightEyes. I'm thinking this is the new Friday routine. This Friday the Bestie joined us with the GodBaby, and sans her man. Good drinks and Good food! Yay! Nothing much happened - but we were joined by a incredibly hilarious guy who's chosen the nickname Ssuper (not a typo). Also - I was informed by BrightEyes husband that he is anything but incredibly adorable, so I have to change what I call him. I'll stick with a name he already has - Uncle Will the Chinaman, hereafter called Chinaman for short. Ha!

Last week Gigi and Baboo were on vacation - and spent most of their week sick too. But it was nice to hang out with them. I did get some extra sleep, thanks to Baboo who agreed to hang out with Monkey for a little while so I could take a much needed nap.

Friday, April 10th was Ladies night for the Bestie, BrightEyes and I. We went to a Suns game, sans children and men (like I have one to be without) and had a GRAND time. Ha. Our night ended kind of badly, but it's ok now. There's talk of another ladies night soon, so maybe another Sun's game? Or maybe just a night out to eat and putt-putt golf. We'll see.

Saturday was just BrightEyes, our 3 monkies, and I. We got the girls down at a decent hour and the two of us hung out on the couch eating italian meatballs and chocolate dipped strawberries, drinking sweet tea with sweet tea flavored vodka (who knew????)

Sunday- Easter was a gentle (read: Boring) day. We didn't do much. Hung out with Gigi and cooked. GOOD GOOD FOOD. Fresh green beans with ham hocks and new potatoes, stewed fresh yellow squash, deviled eggs, and ham. YUM.

This week promises to be just as boring as usual - but hey at least there's no potential for drama!

Of Good Friends, Good Drinks, Phones, and Men

I had a pretty good weekend. Really - I did. How was yours?

An old friend from high school found me on Facebook (you know, the account that I vowed to delete because they were banning pictures of mothers breastfeeding) last week, and we decided to hang out Friday evening, kids in tow. She's got two, and if you count her incredibly adorable hubby - three. But we hung out at their house (NICE, by the way) and ate, talked, drank, and let the girls run around and be little kids (Both of her girls and Monkey were FILTHY by the end of the night). It was nice to hang out with other people who have kids. The Bestie and her other half joined us eventually, sans her little one, and more drinking and talking ensued. Great friends were met, good times and drinks were had. It will be happening again. Said friend will here after be known as BrightEyes - because I swear she's got the brightest eyes, which light up even more when she smiles, and she smiles often (read: all the time). BrightEyes and I took the kids to the mall Saturday, and wandered around for a couple hours. We talked and generally enjoyed ourselves.

Also....Sort of, kind of, met a guy, whom we'll call Dennis. I say sort of, kind of, because we met through an application on Facebook. But we've been emailing for a while and Dennis is - for lack of a better word pretty AWESOME. But as with all awesome men, there is a down fall. He's in Turkey (not Turkish, he's there with the Air Force) and then when he PCS's later this year, he'll be going to England. It sucks, but there's not much to be done about it. I can't say I'm all heart-broken over it, because that would be lying, dear Interwebs. But, it would have been nice. He'll be stateside for two weeks in about two months, and we've planned on meeting then. So that's a little exciting, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder why I'm putting myself in a situation where I might *possibly* (read: there's a SLIGHT chance, but not a stalker, clingy, psycho chance) get attached. But I also know that just about EVERYTHING in my life happens for a reason. So I know there's a reason for this. I just need to be patient and let God reveal it to me. Long distance relationships are hard enough in the same country. I can't imagine the obstacles for an overseas long distance relationship. Not to say that in some cases that its not worth it, because I'm sure it is. Passports, money, vacation time..... Those are just a few of the things that come to my mind as being obstacles. I suppose though, that at the very least, I've found myself a pretty awesome friend. One that is definitely worth visiting Turkey, or England - should I ever decide to apply for a passport for me and Monkey.

Still haven't heard anything about moving to a day shift - I think that my Boss may just have been humoring me. Making me think that he wanted to give me a day position. I don't know. I suppose we'll see.

Also, I'm still waiting on the IRS to decide to send me my tax refund. I filed January 26th and it is now March 29th. My mom filed last Sunday and got her money back Friday. The bestie filed two weeks after I did and had her money back less than a week later. It's ridiculous. I'm supposed to have it tomorrow this time, so maybe I'll have it and I can start shopping! (Insert maniacal laughter here - I'll have lots of money to spend and not feel guilty about spending it) I'm getting a new phone - and I'm a little giddy about it. I originally wanted an iPhone, but the pricing is just way out of my comfort zone (even with my tax money coming) because I'm not due for an upgrade until November, and the iPhone has a serious flaw, Interwebs. It does not receive picture mail. This, is a problem for me. The only thing that I don't think that the Eternity has is the millions of applications the iPhone does. But that's OK - I'd go broke buying the stupid applications. Besides, the Eternity is still a touch screen, and can access the internet. Which means that I can post and do all of the other random things I do on the internet while I'm away from my computer. YAY. But - I'm seriously excited about the phone. I just need the IRS to send me my money.

Why I'm A Single Mother

We used to be good friends. Best friends, actually. Then - we crossed a line. We had sex - we had had sex before, but we both knew then that it was nothing meaningful. We were both young, and ignorant. Except for this time, a baby was conceived. Then - he asked me to do something that for me, was out of the question. I just couldn't abort the tiny life growing inside of me. I'd had problems with two other pregnancies, and miscarried both. Then, I found out I was pregnant and I just knew that I'd carry this baby full term - and deliver a healthy baby. But - he didn't want another child. He already had two, and couldn't deal with another, was his argument. Well, it's my body, and my decision too, so I chose to have the baby.
He was so mad at me, and I knew he would be. I waited a while to talk to him, hoping that his anger would subside. And it did. Eventually we started talking again, and he promised that even though there was a long, hard road in front of me, he'd help me out when and how ever he could. Then, I found out he was dating some one, after he had told me he didn't want to date anyone. Not only was he dating some one, he was sleeping with her at the same time he was sleeping with me.
I hated him then. I hated him because he couldn't see that I had been so in love with him, that I wanted to make a relationship work with him, I wanted to heal his hurts from past relationships, hoping that by healing him, I would be healing myself. But, I never let him see it. I wasn't going to let him see how much he was hurting me. I was going to be strong for our baby - because back then, I still thought of my baby as our baby. But, we had a couple arguments, and he refused to tell anyone that I was pregnant. Refused to acknowledge that this was happening. Then - he just stopped answering my calls. So, I stopped calling. Then, about a month before our baby girl was due, we started speaking again. I found out that he had had some legal troubles and there was a possibility that he'd be in jail when the baby was born. So a month later when I went into labor the only people that were at the hospital were my parents and The Bestie. When I filled out the paperwork for her birth certificate - I gave my baby girl my last name. I still don't remember exactly why I did it, but all I can remember is that when I was filling out that paper work I just couldn't force myself to write his last name on it. He got out of jail a week after she was born and waited two days to come see her. When he finally did, he brought along his girlfriend. It killed me that she was holding my baby girl, fawning over her. He got upset about her name and in a moment of strength I told him that if he wanted to change her name, he had until she was a year old to be able to do so with out a court order but that I would not be changing it for him. He would have to do it on his own, he would have to prove his worth of her. He didn't even take the paper work.
For three months after she was born I didn't work and almost daily during those three months, I would call him and take her to see him. We'd spend the better part of the day there - just hanging out. But then, I realized that I was doing all the work. Realized that he wasn't calling me to see her. So - one day I just didn't call. One day turned into two, two into three, and so on. Two weeks passed and he hadn't called. So I called him and told him that if he wanted to see our daughter he would need to call me to see her because I was not going to chase behind him and force her into his life. He said that he just got busy - and that he meant to call. Our problems started all over again. He was seriously acting like we were just friends, and that my child was not in fact, his child too. I felt like he was putting his other two children before her, instead of making her the same priority as them. And he was, he wouldn't ever keep her when he had the other two children but wouldn't keep her when he didn't have them either. He would call the other children's mother and ask for them, or make plans for those children, but didn't bother to make plans for our daughter.
We argued and fought for a while, mostly about money, diapers, food, or him spending time with her. Then when she was about 8 or 9 months old, he just stopped spending time with her at all. And it didn't bother me one bit. He was more of a nuisance than anything else, and I didn't feel like he was really spending time with her because he wanted to. I started planning her birthday party in October - just before Halloween. We had spoken about it a couple of times, but nothing was definite. Then Halloween came and I took my baby girl trick-or-treating. She went in early with my mom (she was spending the weekend with her anyway, and early for me is 8pm which is late for her) but I stayed out with The Bestie and her daughter. We went by the church, and saw him. He walked right by me with his other two children, his girlfriend, and her son, and didn't even bother to ask how the baby was. I know he saw me because his face froze up for a couple seconds. Then I called him about two or three days later and decided not to say anything about Halloween, but instead to focus on her birthday party. I gave him the time, date and location - to which he replied that he wouldn't be coming. I was dumb founded. An argument ensued and I ended up hanging up on him. The day of the party came, and he made good on not showing. Her actual birthday was two days later and he went even farther and didn't even call to tell her happy birthday.
I called him - and we fought again. Fought because I could not understand why he didn't show up to his youngest daughter's FIRST birthday party, why he didn't call her on her actual birthday, why he could just put her off like she was just some random child and not the fruit of his loins. Then he said the worst thing he could ever have said to me, "I wish you would move out of the state for the Army. That way I wouldn't have to worry about you and your daughter."
I've called him once since then, and only because I felt like I wasn't doing enough on my daughters behalf for her to have a relationship with her father. The funny thing is, I think that he feels like he's hurting me and really he's not. He's hurting himself in the long run, because my daughter is doing just fine with out him, and will for the rest of her life. But eventually a time will come when he'll want to be a part of her life, and she'll make him answer questions. She'll make him answer the hard questions - the same ones I tried to make him answer, and the answers won't be good enough for her, because I'm teaching her to be strong and smart. Because she'll know that she's worth more than anything in the world. And when those answers aren't good enough, she won't want anything to do with him.

Small Victories

Nothing much new.

We saw Monkey's donors sister Sunday. She was all excited to see the little one. She was so amazed that Monkey has manners. "Well of course she has manners - you don't think I'm just going to let her run around here and not say please, thank you, sir or ma'am - do you?" The reply was "Well, the other two don't (the other two being her donor's older children) - but then he doesn't have anything to do with raising Monkey, so I guess she'll turn out all right." And apparently my 16 month old is so well behaved that it's just "amazing! You tell her to do something, and she does it!" ( Well, yeah - I do have like THE angel baby)
One small victory for me! YES!

Still waiting on something from child support. I wish they'd send me something. Even if they just send some thing saying that they're not going to give me child support for some reason or another. That way I could stop hoping for what "could be..."

I finally found some one who can keep Monkey for me during the day for what I can afford - and I went to high school with her. She has two kids of her own, and she's a pretty awesome parent. I sent the email to my manager tonight asking about moving back to a day position - while also making it very clear that I don't want to leave the company and that I'll stay in my shift if need be, no sweat.

Here's hoping that I can be spared to go back to a day slot.....

the post in which I talk about everything, and nothing.

Above video was taken about a month ago - I was in the passenger seat while the Ex was driving and turned around to that. It was hilarious. Luckily for me - my cell phone never leaves my hand (except for when I'm posting here, dear World Wide InterWebz!) so I recorded it, and am posting it for your viewing pleasure. (I've also just figured out how to get the videos from my phone to the computer! Don't laugh!)

I have an ultrasound in the morning because my doctor and I are concerned that I could possibly have ovarian cysts. I'm sure it will turn out to be nothing, but I'm still going to hope for the best. Also have an appointment on Friday for a Well Woman visit. Yay! NOT. But whatever.

Still no definite word yet on whether or not the Bestie will have to go Reserves - but she's considering making the transition to AGR (Active Guard Reserves) anyway. Apparently there's a slot on Redstone that is open and her contact at Redstone is trying to hook it up for her. I need to get on the ball and get cleared for duty. Not to mention I need to lose like 4% body fat, and get back in shape. Ok - so I have a lot to do. I just need to do it now.

5 days smoke free and I smell great - I feel like a crazy woman, but I smell good, and that's all that matters, Right?

I told you that this was the post in which I talk about everything and nothing. Didn't I?

The Army

The bestie got an email from a SFC (Sergeant First Class) in the Army today. The email informed her that she could either deploy or go reserves. Technically, she is still a reservist, but she's inactive. Meaning that she's only part of the Army on paper. By going reserves they mean that they want her to report to a unit and drill with them occasionally.

My heart aches for her because I know that one way or another she may have to deploy anyway and leave her 2 year old daughter behind. She's working on a situation that may keep her from having to deploy, yet assigning her to a unit that is reserves, but full time. Meaning that she'll be getting full benefits from the Army (pay, Tricare, and other various benefits). However, the unit is in Alabama, on Redstone Arsenal (Huntsville, Alabama - where we vacationed in January). I have decided that until we have more definite info on the situation, I'm going to work on getting cleared for duty by a civilian doctor. Once I've got that completed, I'm going to get back in the Army. The connection she has on Redstone may be able to help me get an assignment with a unit there too - thus, putting me on Redstone with her. I still haven't heard anything from when I submitted a packet for re-enlisting in October. But I think it's due to the fact that the Army would have to pony up some money to get me cleared for duty. So - if I cross those hurdles and can present them with the paper work I think things may progress a little quicker and more favorably.

Other news - The Monkey is a Social Creature. Be warned - that link goes to a post with some unbearably CUTE pictures.

Terrible Twos - and we haven't even made it to Two.

Why didn't any one tell me that the Terrible Two's starts WAY before the child actually reaches two? This would have been good info to have so that I could have mentally prepared myself.

I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.

NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.

So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.

Precious Monkey Moments.

Moments like this

and this


...make me forget that she's become a very headstrong, independent, and down right stubborn child.

Confession #8 - I can't wait for Summer to be here in all it's glory so that I can put Monkey in too-short toddler shorts and tank tops!

House Warmings, Fake Friends and Dead Beats.

The past weekend was generally ok. Yay for House Warming parties, Hennessy, and Paul Masson! Boo for fake friends, hosts of parties that are never around, and dead-beat dads.

First - I went to a house warming Friday night while the donor's parents had Monkey. Paul Masson is great! I had an awesome time. Played some cards, ate some good food and got a little tipsy. Met some people who posed themselves as friends and then found out the next morning that they were not. The host of said house warming was never present more than 5 minutes at a time and barely even noticed my presence (even though he was supposedly interested in dating me - I'm rolling my eyes here because dude seemed like he had it together and may have been worth my time. He does not, and is not.) I also made a bad decision ( I think the alcohol may or may not have helped me make - leaning more towards may have here) and stopped by the donor's house on my way home to see if I could get him to talk to me. A couple threats (from him) and some shouting (also him) later, no talking happened and I meandered home.

Second. The donor's parents had Monkey Friday night, as previously mentioned. All well and good. I knew that they were going to take her to see some of their family and probably take her to see the donor. After I stopped by his house I knew that they had taken her by there - but was not aware of what had happened during said visit. I went to pick her up and talked to the donor's dad for a little while and found out that they had taken her over there with the intentions of getting him to hang out with her for an hour or so. Fine by me. Well - they got there and he had his other two children, who of course came running out to see Tandy and Papa. They saw the baby, and were fawning over her as they usually do when they get to see her. The donor found out that the baby was in the car and made the girls go inside, and told his parents he was going inside. He indeed went inside and sent his girlfriend out to tell his parents that he did not want to see MY daughter. WTF????? He is truly an ass. I knew that when I stopped by his house that he probably wasn't going to talk to me - and that was a risk that I was willing to take, I just wanted to plead Monkey's case to him once more (I am now OFFICIALLY done trying). Seriously, how can anyone look at a child that they've helped create and NOT claim them or want to be around them? I'm past the stage where it hurt me. It's just not fair that he won't let Monkey's sisters get to know her ( and those little girls are heartbreakingly in love with her) and that he won't even give her the chance at having a relationship with him like the other two do. Amazing that someone who claims he loves his children more than life only takes care of the two children who's mother cheated on him, gave him an STD, stole all his money, and doesn't press him to act like an adult and get a job. Which by the way, ladies and gentleman, he does now have. His girlfriend shared that little tid-bit of info with me when I stopped by - before he started shouting threats and yelling.

Speaking of supporting and taking care of children - I wonder what is taking Child Support so damn LONG????? It's been about 3 weeks since I sent them my second application, and I haven't even so much as gotten a letter letting me know that they've gotten the application or that they're doing anything. It's really starting to get frustrating, because I need that extra help. WIC and my paycheck's cover us - but just barely. And I'm now having to pay for her insurance because according to Medicaid, I make too much for her to qualify for full coverage under Florida Medicaid. Ladies and Gentleman, make no mistake, I make a decent amount hourly - but there's NO WAY that 40 hours a week on my pay is going to cover a monthly premium for the two of us with a regular insurance company.

I can't remember why I even started dating him to begin with now.....

Confessions Of a Single Mom

Confession #7

I am scared to death of potty training Monkey. Can I just leaver her in diapers until she's old enough to figure it out on her own?

Confessions of a Single Mom

I must confess some things, because if I don't my head will get all clogged up with the things that I can never say out loud.

First - I love Monkey, and wouldn't give her up to save my life, but God help me. She is DRIVING ME INSANE. She's going through her Terrible 2's and hasn't even made it to TWO. She may not make it either...... (I joke, I kid).

Second - Some days I absolutely love the fact that I'm a single parent - I don't have to compromise on my parenting with anyone. She'll be raised the way *I* want her to be raised.

Third - I've let her go 2 or 3 days with out bathing her. She wasn't really dirty, and I was just flat tired.

Fourth - I may have ruined her. She spends ALL day with me, and her last 2 waking hours are spent with my parents. How am I ever going to get her to go to daycare?

Fifth - I buy her WAY too much stuff. Seriously, I still buy her something every time I go to the store, be it clothes, toys, or some special snack.

Sixth - I put her up for sale on my other blog (not for real, so you can stop freaking out now, and you can hang up the phone with the children's services people). Go see.

Um......I don't see this list ending any time soon, so I'll stop now. To be continued later.....

That Man.

The donor. Monkey's biological father.

I am currently at my wit's end about him. He provides no type of support for her, in fact wants nothing to do with her. When I refused to have the abortion, he said that it would be a long, hard road for me - but he would help out where he could. We agreed then that I would not put him on child support so long as he spent time with her and provided things she needed. This worked out well - for about 2 months. Monkey is now 15 months old and since her birth he has given me maybe $200 for her care. He did buy $20 worth of baby food and 2 jumbo diapers.... when she was about 4 months old (I have since applied for child support - but the state is taking FOREVER). He was in jail when she was born, and the Department of Vital statistics rep said that I could not even so much as list him on her birth certificate with out him being present. He still has not changed that. I gave her my last name because it seemed that he had abandoned us anyway. After he got out of jail, he was adamant that I change her last name to his and I made it clear that he would need to do so - I would not. I wanted him to prove his worth of her.

He has two other amazing daughters who he sees almost daily. He is a wonderful father to them, and loves them both dearly. Here, Ladies and Gentleman, is my problem. Those girls get to know their father, get to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. Why can't my daughter have the same?

Those first couple months of her life I would call him daily and take her to see him. I always said to him, I'll bring her to you and pick her up, just let me know when you want her. I got really busy for a week, right after Monkey turned 3months old, I was looking for a job and had a few interviews lined up. After that week was over, I realized that he had not called me once to see her. So - instead of calling him, I decided to wait another week to see if he would call. The week passed and he didn't call. I realized then, that I was pushing her on him. I had decided before she was born that I would not chase behind him and make him do right by her, and meant it. So I called him and explained that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to make an effort. He needed to call me and let me know when he wanted to see her. My offer still stood, I'd take her to him and pick her up. All he needed to do was let me know when he wanted to see her. A month went by and besides me calling him to ask for diapers, baby food, or money for day care - we didn't hear from him. Another month went by - and I stopped calling. He wasn't calling anyway. I was supporting her on my own and didn't need to beg him for what little money he could give me anyway. We argued a few times - about money, about him not spending time with her, about the injustice of it all. Halloween came and he took his other two daughters trick or treating in our parent's neighborhood. Ladies and Gentleman, he walked right by me (I had already taken Monkey home and put her to bed) and didn't even so much as blink. Nothing. Not "How was her first Halloween?" "Where is Monkey?" "Kiss Monkey for me." NADA.

Her 1st birthday came around and I called to let him know about the plans - to invite him. He said he wouldn't be coming. He didn't want to deal with my family. We argued again. This time because I wanted to make it clear to him that this was about our daughter, not him, not me, not either of our families. He obviously didn't go for it because he didn't show up. His parents and sisters did - they even brought his other two children and his girlfriend's son (which I am a little upset about - but I digress...) A couple days later I called him again - I was livid. He had missed her birthday, all her 1st year milestones, and still hadn't even called to tell her Happy Birthday. An argument ensued - and he said he didn't want to talk to me.

Three months later I've spoken to him twice and he wont budge. I'm torn, because I feel I've done all I can with out losing my sanity, but I feel like I should do more. Monkey is eventually going to ask questions and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be a decent person and not bash him. I don't think its fair that the other two children get to know him and have a relationship with him, but my daughter does not. She wouldn't know him from Adam if she saw him. What do I do? Do I keep trying to contact him for my daughters sake? Or do I leave it alone and hope like hell she doesn't ask questions one day?

Help me out.... I'm lost....

St. Valentine's Day

As I will be celebrating Valentine's alone (with the exception of Monkey, she is my little Valentine, all the love I could ever need!) I thought a history of Valentine's day would be in order.

See who St. Valentine was, and some of the history of the day here, at History.com.

What are your plans??? Who are you sharing the day with???

Monkey and I will spend the day buying stuff.

This sucks, but I wouldn't take it any other way.

I've finally realized that being a single parent truly sucks.

I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.

First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.

Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.

But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.

I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.

So, yes....

This single parenting thing sucks, but.....

I wouldn't take it any other way.

And now Ladies and Gentleman.....

for your viewing pleasure.....

Randomocity!

For real - I have a few things I need to update on - so.......

First - I put up a poll on the other blog because I'm changing the babys nick name for blog purposes. Go vote. Please and thank you.

Second - We went to the pediatrician today - Baby Crazy does NOT have diabetes or hypo/hyperglycemia. Good. She still is not pooping on her own and so we're going to keep her on milk of magnesia. Bad. I hate giving her a laxative every day. She got a couple shots she was due for and was generally unhappy about them. But she finally weighs 20lbs. So she gained like a pound and some thing since November.

Third - I finally figured out the situation with the boyfriend. I decided that it wasn't worth it for either of us to stay in the relationship. I'm not happy and its not fair to him to be in a relationship with some one who doesn't love him the way he should be. So - I called it quits today. He took it pretty hard and made me feel pretty bad, but for the first time, I was firm and stood my ground instead of giving in. (Hells yea for me!!!)

Lastly - Can you people comment??? I know you're reading. Its not that hard - I even opened up the comments so that people can comment anonymously. Jeez. If you had a blog I'd leave you some love too.

Anyway - have a good night and may your day tomorrow be a good one!!!

Quote of the day: Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.

Hair

So I went Thursday to get my hair TRIMMED.

I went to my beloved and trusted Hair Guru - she's awesome. She's worked wonders with my hair for almost 2 years.

I got there and told her that I had recently done a home perm and the results were Ok - but now I needed a trim. Just a trim and maybe some layers. We talked for a couple minutes and decided that layers and a trim were a definite must. She was going to take off an inch.

So the hair cutting commenced. We talked and got on and laughed. When she was done I stood up and looked at my hair. She cut almost 3 inches off the front.... and trimmed the back. WTH???? The back was WAY longer than the front and I had a freakin mullet. No go - so I asked her to even it out. She told me I didnt want it that short and then I made it very clear that I could NOT walk around with the front of my hair a different length than the back. I finally convinced her to cut it all even and.... Now my hair is ABOVE my shoulders. If you know me you know I didn't even do that for the army and I HATE my hair being that short.

I've made peace with my hair and it actually looks GOOD. I'm fine with it now. I know you want to see pictures so I'll post one later on.

Other news - Baby Crazy may have diabetes! What??? Check it out here.

New year, new hair.... Right???

President Barack Obama

So.... I'd like to say that I'm a great American citizen and that I spent the day glued to my TV watching the inauguration. But..... I didn't, so I can't.

I did keep up with it here and there - but I was busy chasing behind Baby Crazy who has recently discovered that she can run. (I remember when I wished that she'd start walking - now I just want her to sit down!!!)

But - I will say that I feel like so much is going to change - and fast. Today the air felt fresh and new (maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, or maybe it was just cold). I'm excited for a new age. I'm excited that I am alive when some thing so historic that is NOT tragedy happened.

Anyway - Here's to you President Barack Obama and hoping your first four years in office that you accomplish great things!

Btw - isn't his family adorable??

Single Parenthood

Today is just one of those days for me - I'm feeling all crappy and down.

I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend - I'm a single parent and it's just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out - but... well, I don't know how to explain it, but he's not her dad and I don't rely on him for much of anything.

While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone - the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn't have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn't even realize that it wasn't the "norm" to have only one parent. When she was born - we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.

Now - I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can't imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do - the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything - and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I'm still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.

I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well - I still can't afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don't want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what's going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don't get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend - but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.

I'm sure this post seems random - but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now.....
One of Baby Crazy's one year pics - my fav. one.